TODAY's Arsenal...

I don’t know about you, but I find it real difficult to believe that we are already at the end of August!  It seems like just yesterday that I was working on my small mower at the beginning of spring, hoping I could get it started again after not being used for a few years.  With our large lot in North Carolina, I didn’t necessarily have a need for the little mower as my trusty riding mower and string trimmer took care of the yard with ease.  But alas, fresh fluids and a little spray or two of carburetor cleaner and vroom… off she went on the second pull… and that very first mowing of the lawn at our new house has now been repeated countless times since then!

During those spring and summer months, I have slowly but surely been figuring out my life that was totally upended when Piper’s passed, which in exactly two days, will be two years ago!  This task has proven to be like NOTHING that I had ever faced before in my life.  It has been a relentlessly strange, arduous, heart-wrenching and emotional roller-coaster ride for me.

 I can go days, weeks and even a month or two feeling like I’ve finally gotten through the worst of it… when an unexpected memory will pop into my head while doing normal things like walking the dog, shopping in the grocery store or watching TV, that will trip me up and send me sliding uncontrollably back into depths of emotional stress and attack me with an overwhelming sense of terror at the thought of living life without my lovely wife at my side.

But, THANK GOD, those times are getting less and less frequent!  I clearly remember telling Piper’s hospice social worker a week or so before she passed, that I was beginning to realize that after caring for Piper 24/7 for the last eight years… that the very worst was STILL yet to come.  The slight nod, and tear-filling eyes of the social worker told me all that I needed to know to confirm the thought that was beginning to pound at my heart.  The only problem was… that I NEVER thought that it would be THIS difficult!

I had never imagined the pain that someone went through with the loss of a loving spouse.  It is almost impossible to explain and even understand the pain that seems to invade every part of your being… physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally!  There have been many nights that I have laid on my bed in an exhausted stupor, sleeplessly staring at the ceiling thinking… I NEED A VACATION… but then realizing that it wouldn’t be the same because SHE wouldn’t be there to enjoy it with me… I mean, let’s face it… she was what I enjoyed MOST about our vacations together!  Then after a while, I’ll fall into a fitful sleep and wake up with the sun peeking through the blinds, giving me fresh expectations for God’s directions, love and grace for a brand-new day!

Lately I find myself praying at the beginning of each new day, that the Lord will show me how all the lessons that He has taught me through Piper’s and my last journey together, will translate into my TODAY!  And with that prayer, I am beginning to see how most of the battles we fought back then, are the same ones that I am facing TODAY.  The circumstances maybe be different, the people, places and things involved may be totally different, but the tools we used to circumvent the obstacles that sprung up to hinder the path that He had set before us are just as viable and victorious now as they were then.

What I’ve discovered with the understanding of that truth though, is that most of the battles I face today are not caused by outside influences like Piper and I constantly fought, but now are found within in the confines of my MIND and my HEART!  They are very real things that I must face, that I must resolve, that I must conquer and overcome before I can step back into the fullness of life that God promises those of us who believe in the truth of His Word. (See: Psalm 91:16)

Throughout the last two years, my biggest battle has been with the attacks of fear that continually try to raise their ugly head every time I attempt to take a forward step.  I am thankful though, that over the time of our relationship together, that Piper and I developed a sort of spiritual sixth sense when it came to the awareness of the influence of fear in and around our personal lives as well as that of our family.

The difference now is that before, the fear encroached from the outside, from other people who had difficulties dealing with the dramatic changes in Piper… but today, the fear is attempting to take more of a personal approach as it tries its best to get me from the inside!  I am thankful for the many scriptures that have become a part of my aggressive defense against this weapon of the enemy over the years and especially lately. 

Recently I came across a verse that just sort of says it all… and have found it to be the perfect offensive and defensive ammunition in my arsenal!  Psalm 23:4 in The Passion Translation has become the call of my heart as I claim for my life each day, while entering my new TODAY that:

“Lord, even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for you already have! You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way. Your authority is my strength and my peace. The comfort of your love takes away my fear. I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.” 

So, what more could I say… (well, I’ve got plenty to say… but I’ll stop here!)  When FEAR tries to raise its ugly head and burrow a way into my heart, my answer is quick, my answer is authoritative, and my answer is highly expectant of God’s love working in, for and through me!  Whenever I sense the conniving influence of the enemy of our souls trying to sneak up on me, I simply declare that ‘fear will never conquer me, for JESUS already has!”  And as my sweet Piper always declared, “God said it and that settles it for me… and therefore I believe it!”

What do you think?  That statement of faith in God’s Word might just be what we all need during this convoluted time in our lives with the pandemic, and unrest in our world today… Who’s with me on this?