Conversations

I spent a lot of time in prayer yesterday.  But first, let me first explain what I mean by that.  When I pray, I simply have a normal, verbal communication with God.  Yesterday I prayed while I walked the dog around the neighborhood, while I watered the garden, while I traversed the aisles in Walmart… many times finding myself going the wrong way down he clearly marked lanes because I wasn’t paying attention… while I sat in my leather chair with notebook in hand in my study, and while laying in bed.  And like any conversation that I would have with a good friend, I talk for awhile and then stop and listen for His reply.  Then we discuss, we question each other, we laugh, we pause to think and sometimes like yesterday, I cry!

For some reason, these last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I’ve read where certain important dates in a person’s life whose lost a loved one, will trigger avalanches of past memories and feelings.  And while the two-year mark of Piper’s passing is just around the corner, I think I finally figured out that I am also at a point in my personal journey without the star attraction of my life, of entering another transition time.  And that was the purpose behind my extended fellowship with the Father.

It dawned on me over this last weekend, that I am finding it more and more difficult to remember the soft feel of Piper’s skin, the wonderful aroma of her favorite fragrance, the warmth and tenderness of her physical touch around my arm, while holding my hand or placing her little hand on my chest. 

I found it both startling and scary when I realized that she is becoming more of a memory in all the many pictures I took of her over the years, rather than the tactile, living, breathing, laughing, spunky gal that was always there for me… and me for her… as she was the one who gave me much of my sense of purpose, desire and the honor and responsibility to love and respect and go out of my way on a regular basis to make her happy!  I think my favorite thing in life was to make her laugh!

A big part of the difficulty is that while I fully understand that this is all a part of the grieving process and is a natural step in helping me to continue on in life… one side of me does not want to see this happen. That side of me does NOT want to let go of her.

But I had a revelation one night over the weekend that greatly encouraged me in the midst of all this.  I had been reading from John 15:16 where Jesus was teaching His disciples and declared that: “You didn’t choose me, but I’ve chosen and commissioned you to go into the world to bear fruit. And your fruit will last, because whatever you ask of my Father, for my sake, he will give it to you!” (The Passion Translation)

As I meditated on that verse, I began to hear what I believed to be that very familiar small-still-voice on the inside of me, telling me that the process that He started in June of 2003 when he told me that it was time to go to Bible School, was not only to build us up and prepare us for the difficult years ahead with Piper’s illness, but was also to GET ME to Broken Arrow, OK - right here and now!  Those simple words acted as a reality shock, caused me to open my mouth in awe of Him and release a flood of tears.  The idea that He also had a plan for me in the midst of all the heart ache and pain was overwhelming.

I had been sensing for awhile that some changes were on the horizon… but to be honest… was not witnessing any physical response to my prayers concerning my present circumstances.  I have a personal list of things that I am believing for, but have been getting very impatient (which is actually unusual for me…) at what seemed to be a lack of promising results… I bet that some of you out there have felt the same thing at times… right?

So, all those revelations that I have had, some online ministry meetings that I have been watching and a couple of books I’ve been reading, along with my Bible, suddenly all seem to be pointing in the same direction… the direction of transition and coming changes.  And while I still don’t know what they are… I am both shook up and scared at my feelings but yet sense the small beginnings of a fire being stirred up inside of me.  Never a dull moment, right?  Who said that trusting in the Lord was ever a boring activity?

During the Lord’s and my conversation yesterday, I also took pages of notes in my journal (the 3^rd one I’m filling up since Piper’s leap through the veil), so I’ve got lots to write about in future blogs.  But for now, I just feel led to encourage both you and me to NEVER GIVE UP on your dreams, your visions and your requests to the Lord.  Talk with Him about them, listen for His replies, do what He says to do and continue to build up your faith by your consistent study of His Word, through prayer and through fellowship with other believers.

Have a great day and pass a smile and/or an encouraging word to someone in need!