TODAY's Arsenal...

I don’t know about you, but I find it real difficult to believe that we are already at the end of August!  It seems like just yesterday that I was working on my small mower at the beginning of spring, hoping I could get it started again after not being used for a few years.  With our large lot in North Carolina, I didn’t necessarily have a need for the little mower as my trusty riding mower and string trimmer took care of the yard with ease.  But alas, fresh fluids and a little spray or two of carburetor cleaner and vroom… off she went on the second pull… and that very first mowing of the lawn at our new house has now been repeated countless times since then!

During those spring and summer months, I have slowly but surely been figuring out my life that was totally upended when Piper’s passed, which in exactly two days, will be two years ago!  This task has proven to be like NOTHING that I had ever faced before in my life.  It has been a relentlessly strange, arduous, heart-wrenching and emotional roller-coaster ride for me.

 I can go days, weeks and even a month or two feeling like I’ve finally gotten through the worst of it… when an unexpected memory will pop into my head while doing normal things like walking the dog, shopping in the grocery store or watching TV, that will trip me up and send me sliding uncontrollably back into depths of emotional stress and attack me with an overwhelming sense of terror at the thought of living life without my lovely wife at my side.

But, THANK GOD, those times are getting less and less frequent!  I clearly remember telling Piper’s hospice social worker a week or so before she passed, that I was beginning to realize that after caring for Piper 24/7 for the last eight years… that the very worst was STILL yet to come.  The slight nod, and tear-filling eyes of the social worker told me all that I needed to know to confirm the thought that was beginning to pound at my heart.  The only problem was… that I NEVER thought that it would be THIS difficult!

I had never imagined the pain that someone went through with the loss of a loving spouse.  It is almost impossible to explain and even understand the pain that seems to invade every part of your being… physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally!  There have been many nights that I have laid on my bed in an exhausted stupor, sleeplessly staring at the ceiling thinking… I NEED A VACATION… but then realizing that it wouldn’t be the same because SHE wouldn’t be there to enjoy it with me… I mean, let’s face it… she was what I enjoyed MOST about our vacations together!  Then after a while, I’ll fall into a fitful sleep and wake up with the sun peeking through the blinds, giving me fresh expectations for God’s directions, love and grace for a brand-new day!

Lately I find myself praying at the beginning of each new day, that the Lord will show me how all the lessons that He has taught me through Piper’s and my last journey together, will translate into my TODAY!  And with that prayer, I am beginning to see how most of the battles we fought back then, are the same ones that I am facing TODAY.  The circumstances maybe be different, the people, places and things involved may be totally different, but the tools we used to circumvent the obstacles that sprung up to hinder the path that He had set before us are just as viable and victorious now as they were then.

What I’ve discovered with the understanding of that truth though, is that most of the battles I face today are not caused by outside influences like Piper and I constantly fought, but now are found within in the confines of my MIND and my HEART!  They are very real things that I must face, that I must resolve, that I must conquer and overcome before I can step back into the fullness of life that God promises those of us who believe in the truth of His Word. (See: Psalm 91:16)

Throughout the last two years, my biggest battle has been with the attacks of fear that continually try to raise their ugly head every time I attempt to take a forward step.  I am thankful though, that over the time of our relationship together, that Piper and I developed a sort of spiritual sixth sense when it came to the awareness of the influence of fear in and around our personal lives as well as that of our family.

The difference now is that before, the fear encroached from the outside, from other people who had difficulties dealing with the dramatic changes in Piper… but today, the fear is attempting to take more of a personal approach as it tries its best to get me from the inside!  I am thankful for the many scriptures that have become a part of my aggressive defense against this weapon of the enemy over the years and especially lately. 

Recently I came across a verse that just sort of says it all… and have found it to be the perfect offensive and defensive ammunition in my arsenal!  Psalm 23:4 in The Passion Translation has become the call of my heart as I claim for my life each day, while entering my new TODAY that:

“Lord, even when your path takes me through the valley of deepest darkness, fear will never conquer me, for you already have! You remain close to me and lead me through it all the way. Your authority is my strength and my peace. The comfort of your love takes away my fear. I’ll never be lonely, for you are near.” 

So, what more could I say… (well, I’ve got plenty to say… but I’ll stop here!)  When FEAR tries to raise its ugly head and burrow a way into my heart, my answer is quick, my answer is authoritative, and my answer is highly expectant of God’s love working in, for and through me!  Whenever I sense the conniving influence of the enemy of our souls trying to sneak up on me, I simply declare that ‘fear will never conquer me, for JESUS already has!”  And as my sweet Piper always declared, “God said it and that settles it for me… and therefore I believe it!”

What do you think?  That statement of faith in God’s Word might just be what we all need during this convoluted time in our lives with the pandemic, and unrest in our world today… Who’s with me on this?

Responsibility

responsibility

NOUN

·       The state or fact of having the duty to deal with something or having control over someone

·       The state or fact of being accountable or to blame for something

·       A thing that someone is required to do as part of a job, role, or legal obligation

 

I came across another interesting commentary on Proverbs 29:18 (see my last blog post “Stumble or Blessing 8/27/20) from the Dake Annotated Reference Bible that makes an interesting tie-in between personal RESPONSIBILITY and success in life.  In his footnote for this verse, the author writes his interpretation of this scripture as, “Where there is no vision or sense of responsibility to keep the law, the people perish for its lack of enforcement; but the one who keeps the law in such times is blessed and happy.”

That commentary gave me another “A Ha!” moment that brought some understanding to events in my recent past.  Throughout Piper’s and my final journey from 2007 to her homegoing in 2018, I was continually surprised and frustrated by people's lack of personal RESPONSIBILITY for their careless words and actions. 

When I would question them, their normal response was to laugh it off and then look at me like I was crazy for even thinking to question them.  For some unbeknownst reason, it seemed like they felt that they had the right to flutter in and out of our situation, at any time that suited them, make any comment they desired and then walk away without any sense of the impropriety of their actions and/or of the mess they left behind.

Dake’s interpretation would infer that these individual’s indifference was not so much based in their potentially negative feelings toward us, but with a resistance in taking personal RESPONSIBILITY toward the Word of God.  Once again, this helps me to understand that their actions were not so much taken against Piper and I, but in reality, as a response to their potential anger or unbelief in the Word of God… and our unwavering Faith in Him and His Word!

Likewise, I see this same lack of RESPONSIBILITY taking place every day within the realm of our current political climate here in the USA.  I am daily amazed at how some lawmakers can continually spit out accusations and words without taking any RESPONSIBILTY for the harsh results of what they are saying, and in some cases, are trying to enact into law.  A good example being the way that Democratic leadership continually ignores and/or falsely portrays the rioting, destruction and violence in many (Democratic run) cities as “peaceful protesting.”

The third dictionary definition in the title above, states that RESPONSIBILTY is something that one in leadership is required to take as a part of their job, role or legal obligation.  And in a few verses down from Proverbs 29:18, King Solomon in his wisdom, bluntly likens the individual who speaks without RESPONSIBILITY for his words to a FOOL!  He stated, “There is more hope for a stupid fool than for someone who speaks without thinking.” (Proverbs 29:20 GNB) 

There were times when I would find myself feeling embarrassed and sorry for those folks who would oftentimes say things about us to others without a thought as to the impact of their words.  I was embarrassed for them as it made them look foolish!  And it is also the way I feel about the political leaders who say similar things on national TV!  I can’t tell you the times recently when I have turned to the dog laying on the floor and say… “Did they REALLY just say that… in public?”  What’s funny is that the blank look that the dog gives me… is the same silly look on the speakers face when they make their incredibly foolish statements!

I cringe on the inside because I realize that the enemy of our souls is the one behind all those foolish and hurtful comments.  I cringe because he doesn’t care who he uses nor how much he makes THEM look like fools as they unknowingly do his bidding.  (See: John 10:10, 2Corinthians 4:4)

Proverbs 29:18 makes it pretty clear in telling us of the importance for each of us to take the personal RESPONSIBILITY necessary to KEEP the Word active and in control of our lives... and over our mouths!  Not taking personal REPONSIBILTY for ourselves can lead to very foolish outcomes!

What will you have in your life… FOOLISHNESS or HONOR, DIGNITY, RESPECT and SUCCESS?

Stumble or Blessing?

I came across a scripture that I hadn’t thought about in a long time while doing a word search as part of my morning Bible study yesterday.  It is found in the book of Proverbs, chapter twenty-nine.  I had been following a track of thought around the ideas of the importance of our personal passion for the Word of God and the reality of having personal experiences with the heavenly bliss of God.

My interest was especially heightened because I was used to hearing and applying this verse in my life through the traditional King James Version.  During the search, I was looking through the pages of my digital copy of the much newer American English version of The Passion Translation.  To my delight, I have been discovering that The Passion Translation (as well as my favorite God’s Word © version) tend to use very similar words, speech patterns and directions of thought that I do in my personal life!

In this Proverb, King Solomon seems to be centering his wisdom on the pitfalls of stubborn people, and the difficulty of arguing with fools.  In verse eighteen he teaches us saying, “When there is no clear prophetic vision, people quickly wander astray. But when you follow the revelation of the word, heaven’s bliss fills your soul.” (The Passion Translation)  The King James simply states, “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.” 

As I did a comprehensive study into the original Hebrew meanings of many of the words used in the King James Version, I could see how the more modern translation brings out a deeper meaning for today’s reader as compared to the text that was first published in 1611, written in Elizabethan English.

The first line of the verse almost immediately sent me off into a land of fresh understanding when I thought over some of the challenges the Piper and I had to deal with amongst family and friends, especially during her journey with Alzheimer’s and also with the very current political climate in our beloved United States. 

Solomon makes it pretty clear that people without a clear vision and understanding of God’s Word are quick to run astray from His truth.  While other’s who keep a deep and active faith in His Word, can find peace and bliss even in the midst of challenging times.  The Message Paraphrase Bible is even more descriptive in modern terms stating, “If people can't see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; But when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed.”

Once again, we saw that happening with people in the three different states we lived in during that time, who tended to see the battle for Piper’s health strictly in terms of the natural realm, medical prognosis and the stamp “No Known Cure.”  While we set our faith completely in the spiritual realm where the Word of God definitively declares that, “What appears humanly impossible is more than possible with God. For God can do what man cannot.” (Luke 18:27 The Passion Translation)

Last week I had the displeasure of watching countless individuals make presentations during the DNC convention that to me, clearly demonstrated people NOT knowing the truth of God’s Word nor the reality of what they were saying, by confusing and/or ignoring facts, repeatedly turning the truth around to make it sound like someone else was responsible for things they had done and simply said… “stumbling all over themselves!”

I am pleased to report, that so far this week… that I am seeing a TOTALLY different picture being presented at the RNC convention.  Instead of FEAR, I keep hearing nothing but optimism, an understanding of the facts and can see leadership that has a good grasp on the truth that God presents in His Word concerning the many social issues facing our country today.  I can see that many of them understand our country’s problems to be more of a spiritual battle than a natural one!

As far as I understand in this life… it is just too easy to “quickly wander astray” from the Godly principles that the Creator of the universe has established in order for us to live a happy, blessed and peaceful life.  So, with that in mind, I choose LIFE!  The LIFE that the Word of God has set before me… the LIFE that I can enjoy… as long as I keep actively abreast of the truth found within the pages of HIS Holy Word!  If

I recall correctly, Psalm 1:3 declares that the individual who aligns himself with God’s Word, practices what IT preaches and stays in active faith in it… will “bear fruit in every season of life” (The Passion Translation)… whether it’s a tough season or an easy one!

What do you think about that?  What would you rather do?  Stumble about or be blessed?

Kind of a NO BRAINER don’t ya think?

My Words...

My wife and I always believed in the power of our words.  We tried to watch what we said and as much as possible, to say the right word at the right time.  Piper liked to make daily confessions about herself from the Word of God, so that she could see and live her life through the eyes of God, as recorded in our Bibles. 

In fact, if you were to look through any house that we lived in over the years, you would find personalized, hand written scripture verses attached to the refrigerator, the bathroom mirrors, on the large mirror of her dresser in the bedroom, as well as on some of the cabinet doors in the kitchen!  I don’t recall any in the cabin of her vehicles, but you could rest assured that she had a couple of confession cards in the glove box, for easy access!  I still have one of her old hand written sheets taped to the mirror in my bathroom today!

Proverbs 18:21 tells us that, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love to talk will have to eat their own words.” (God’s Word ©)  The Message paraphrase of the Bible is much more blunt in its translation by stating matter-of-factly that: “ Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose.”  To me… that says it all!

I found the words that people spoke quite interesting as Piper’s health deteriorated over the last eight years of her earthly existence.  Some just said nothing in her presence, others talked words of (death) and despair, while a few made jokes that, to be honest… turned my stomach… not because of any vulgarity, but due to the individual’s seemingly complete lack of discretion over the situation.

BUT… on the other side of the coin, were those wonderful individuals that not only spoke natural words of (life) and hope to her, but more importantly, spoke the Word of God into her!   Those were the one’s that made her eyes glow with joy, even as she was no longer able to show any other type of physical recognition!

When someone Piper knew was sick, she would immediately speak God’s Words of healing over them.  When someone was in trouble and/or had made a mistake in life, she would immediately fill them with sweet words of grace and love.  That’s why when her Dad was diagnosed with cancer and I thought… “What would Piper Do?” that I wrote numerous letters to him, in her stead, filled with God’s Word of encouragement, faith, healing and love.

When people are down and out, they need faith in God to give them the victory that they so desperately need.  Not words that judge and condemn them, so as to discourage life, joy, peace and wholeness.  And what better way to build their faith than by speaking the Word of God directly to them?  Romans 10:17 declares, “So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” (EMTV)

I found a terrific DAILY personal confession today in the Bible from Psalms 1:3 that I wrote down in the first person saying:

“Today I am standing firm like a flourishing tree planted by God’s design, deeply rooted by the brooks of bliss, bearing fruit in every season of my life. Therefore, I am never dry, never fainting, ever blessed, and ever prosperous.”  (The Passion Translation)

Now that’s a fantastic confession that you and I can jump start every day with!  To me, that truthful confession coming directly from God’s heart to yours and mine, is better than my morning coffee… But then… Why not have both?  Start the day with a LIFE-GIVING confession over yourself and then let it percolate through your heart, soul, mind and body as you enjoy that first cup of steaming hot java!

But Of Course, in order to reap the full BENEFITS of that verse, you first have to read, study out, commit to and then strive to live verses one and two, which basically say that we DELIGHT in God, His Word and in His Ways.  Grab your Bible and check it out!  (Psalms is the easiest book to find in the Bible as it is practically right in the middle!)

Then print out this blog post (go to: http://pjberruto.blogspot.com/), cut out the confession, make multiple copies and tape them to your bathroom mirror, refrigerator and everywhere else where it will catch your daily attention.  Then speak it aloud throughout each day, in faith and conviction and at all times, EXPECT to see its results in your life!

Have a great week.  Keep a watch on your Words, and speak only those things that bring life, peace, joy, faith and hope into the lives of those around you!  That’s what I EXPECT to happen when I open my mouth… HOW ABOUT YOU?

Unbridled Emotions

I mentioned in a recent blog that I felt like I was going through some new transitions while re-entering life as a 67-year-old widower.  I remember watching an old episode from the TV series JAG when the young team of crack Navy/Marine lawyers find themselves working, very begrudgingly, with a senior trio of former US Navy Seals.  While the young lawyers constantly complain about the seniors getting in their way, they find themselves repeatedly amazed at the old men’s stamina, determination and skills… even though they perform most of it in a very humorous way!

At the very end of the show after the case is solved and all is well, the leader of the old retirees (played by Earnest Borgnine) tells the young lawyers that although their ages were increasing, their outside appearances changing along with that age and had bodies that didn’t respond quite like they used to… that on the inside, they still thought, felt and acted as they did in their twenties and thirties!

While I can’t say that I think, feel and act like I did in my twenties and thirties, I do tend to see myself a good ten years younger than I actually am!  I blame the upheaval in my inner clock on the fact that life as I knew it changed dramatically when I quit my job in 2010 to care for my wife 24/7.  Somewhere in there, I feel like I lost some major years of my life.  But mind you, I am NOT complaining as I would do the SAME THING with NO questions asked, if faced once again, with similar circumstances. 

I am happy with my decisions, the honor I had to be the one to care for my sweet wife, and the dedicated effort I gave to her final years on this earth.  But I did realize the other night, as I walked around the backyard in the dark while Fiver did his evening thing before bedtime, that I feel very lost without having her to care for, think about and shower with positive attention… Which is something I strove to do for the whole 48 years that we were together.

But what was even worse… was when it came to me that now that she’s in heaven… and with that blessing… that she has NO more need for me!  I mean geez… How can I compete with GOD’s care for her!  I  embarrassingly told my younger daughter the other day when she and my granddaughter came over for dinner, that I found myself fighting jealousy when I read that one of the young men who took Piper to a school dance or two before we got together, passed a few weeks before she did.

He was a Christian and in fact a Pastor, so I am assured that he went to heaven… Yeah… I hear you laughing!  But I did!  I got jealous thinking that she was gonna be around him in heaven while I am struggling along here on the earth!  Well, I quickly saw the folly in that, but I was a little surprised at my initial EMOTIONAL reaction.

And that’s the point I’m trying to convey in today’s post.   Our unbridled EMOTIONS can have a devastating effect on the way we respond to the events in our lives.  Ephesians 4:26-27 wisely tells us to not “let the passion of your emotions lead you to sin! Don’t let anger control you or be fuel for revenge, not for even a day.  Don’t give the slanderous accuser, the Devil, an opportunity to manipulate you!” (The Passion Translation)  That particular word of wisdom has been my rock and guiding light as I slowly learn how to accept who I am in this new chapter within this new season of my life.  And let me assure you… that my EMOTIONS have been doing their best to drive me crazy!

I realized after that late-night backyard revelation, that just as the Lord had helped me to keep my EMOTIONS in check during the last years of Piper’s life, by having us focus on the Word, that He is still the same today as He was yesterday, and will be tomorrow! (See Hebrews 13:8).

We personally experienced the harsh effects of the unbridled EMOTIONS of those who found it difficult to accept or respond positively to the changes in my wife… and to be honest… I see those same harsh effects being spilled out through the platform (if that’s what one would call it) of the Democratic party as they pursue a narrative that seems to be based and/or led by unbridled or uncontrolled EMOTIONS.

When you move past the cloud of smoke that is stirred up through these EMOTIONS, the answer to the political problems we see today is the same as in Piper’s case.  It’s a SPIRITUAL problem or battle.  The answer is found through the LOVE of CHRIST, our adherence to His Word, living a life that reflects His kingdom and His Grace and a dedicated effort to take a stand and VOTE for God and His RIGHTEOUSNESS.

I’ve discovered, along with many others through Christian history, that those who come against the principles of God and His Word and lash out to those standing on these truths… are in reality… fighting GOD and not those to whom they spew out their vengeance and harsh words.

So therefore… in my life… while I work through transition times… choose to keep my focus on the Word, to believe it over the so-called FACTS that disagree with what HE says is truth and thereby… keep my EMOTIONS bridled and under control… while allowing HIS LOVE and HIS GRACE to brightly shine through my life!  HOW ABOUT YOU?

1961

Today is my sweet Piper’s 67^th birthday.  I was going to say that it “would have been” her 67^th birthday but then it hit me that even though she is not present on this earth, that she is very present in heaven where her life will continue on forever… and that is where she is celebrating her birthday this year!  So, with great PEACE and JOY I exclaim:

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY PIPER!

I was contemplating the life of my wife yesterday morning and came across a scripture in the Biblical book of Colossians where the Apostle Paul talks about how God now sees us as “holy, flawless, and restored” through Jesus’ personal sacrifice on the cross.  The he goes on to add the stipulation, “if indeed you continue to advance in faith, assured of a firm foundation to grow upon. And never be shaken from your expectation of the gospel in which you have actively believed in. And this is the glorious news I preach all over the world.” (Colossians 1:22-23 The Passion Translation – personalized) 

I got excited when I read that because while Father God sees us this way – through Christ – on the earth… Piper, who is now residing in heaven, is seen this way directly, unencumbered and in living color before the throne of God!  Another thing that got me enthused about this verse is what I found when I looked up the word “continue” in the original Greek.  According to Strong’s Hebrew and Greek Dictionaries, this word describes someone who “preservers, or stays at or with something or someone.”  It demonstrates “an action persisted with.”  When I saw that definition, I immediately thought of how it described Piper’s life in general and her faith walk in particular.

Then as I glanced up the page of my Strong’s Concordance, I observed that the number that Strong associated with that Greek word was 1961.  And as one might imagine, that got me taking an unintended walk down memory lane!  My first thought was how old was I, and what was I doing in 1961.  After some quick calculations I figured out that I was eight and attending Matanzas Elementary School located just around the block from the new house that my parents purchased a few months before.

Then in an instant, I zeroed in on Piper and wondered what her 1961 history page might have written on it.  The first and only memory that I could recount about her in 1961, was that I recalled her telling me, in great detail I might add, of how she, at eight years of age, made the life-changing decision to walk down the aisle of her Baptist church and give her life to Jesus as her personal Savior and Lord.  It was a decision that she never forgot and was the way of life that she built upon everyday of her earthly existence!

So, 1961 was a monumental year in her life, and while I have seen many pictures of her previous to that year that yielded images of her inner JOY, I firmly believe that her decision that year cemented her life-long passion to make a difference in people’s lives through her physical presence that simply emanated the LOVE and JOY of the Lord wherever she went.

I always felt that every eye in the place was upon her whenever we walked into a room.  And as I think about it today, in conjunction with our scripture, I would have to feel the confirmation that I was right.  But it wasn’t just her extremely good looks, lovely features and bright eyes (and the guy on her arm… He! He!), it was the joy that was written all over her face that was projected like a shining beacon into every nook and cranny in the room… as well as into the dim or dark places in people’s lives!

So, yes!  That’s the wonderful gal whose life I celebrate today!  There have been many days since her passing where I simply long for her presence next to me.  The warmth, the peace, the encouragement, the LOVE and most of all, the JOY that simply radiated from her… and she would never even have to utter a word!  That’s the presence of Piper that I remember and look forward to being near again when my exit interview comes!

At times I find myself having to fight off jealousy when I think of the myriad of souls in heaven that are now getting to revel in her bountiful and bursting JOY!  But I do have to admit that I have something that none of them can ever have… and that is 48 years of intimate oneness, hours upon hours of heart sharing conversations of deep feelings and thoughts that we’d never share with anyone else, and an unconditional depth of LOVE meant only for each other.

So, today isn’t a sorrowful day for me but one that is overflowing with memories of HAPPINESS, LOVE, PEACE and Piper’s trademark smile and bright shining brown eyes from which radiated the JOY of the Lord that was established in her life… way back in 1961.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETIE!

The Last Decade

For some reason, I found myself singing silly songs and making funny comments as I Fiver and I took our morning walk along the golf course next to our house.  At one point I stopped and looked down at Fiver who had also paused after sniffing out a scent and then marked it as his possession, and I noticed the questionable look on his face.  So, I let out a laugh and said “I guess your human Dad has the funnies today!”  And like it was normal business, he turned and kept on walking toward the park… although, I could have sworn that he shook his head a little!

We noticed a new dog in the neighborhood over the weekend when we walked through the narrow section of the path between the backs of a row of homes and the beautiful golf course opposite them.  As we approached the new neighbors, their backdoor opened and the midsized black dog came running out.  I told Fiver that we were going to have to name him, so we came up with the original name of “Newbie.”  When he got down to the fence near us, Fiver started to get a little excited and began to pull toward his new friend(?).  So, without missing a beat, I began to speak softly to Fiver and pull the fancy harness we have in order to keep him under my control.  Then the funnies hit me again and I began to tell Fiver how this was HIS neighborhood and that he was “BOSS DOG” and had to set the right example for the new kids on the block!

Well, that brought me to a more serious note, and I began to think about how long we’ve actually been here.  As it turns out, we’ve been in our new home for close to nine months but have lived in Oklahoma for over a year now… and that is when it hit me!

In a flash of a moment, I began to consider how drastically my life has changed over the last ten years.  Ten years ago, we were still living what I would consider to be the basic foundation of the life we lived since we were married in 1975.  We were living in our home town, renting a little house (also next to a golf course… hummm, maybe I should consider learning how to play the game!)  I was working a full-time secular job and also held a part-time staff position at our church.  So, in that respect everything was close to normal… except that Piper was past the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and was being drawn deeper and deeper into it’s devastating clutches.

In the mid-summer of that year, I finally quit my full-time job as it was increasingly evident that Piper needed me at home with her 24/7.  From there, the changes came in rapid succession.  It wasn’t all that long after that when I had to resign from my ministry position and focus my complete attention on my wife’s care.  From then on… up to and including today, we began our journey of faith in our total dependence on the Lord for EVERYTHING!

And WOW…  What a ride it has been!  I should add the caveat of what a “GOOD” ride it has been!  Through all the painful ups and downs of the past decade, the GOOD Lord has repeatedly proven Himself to be grace-fully TRUE to His Word.  If I had to choose one over-all verse to best describe our faith and His faithfulness, it would be found in Philippians 4:19 where the Apostle Paul unhesitatingly told his giving friends in Philippi that “I am convinced that my God will fully satisfy every need you have, for I have seen the abundant riches of glory revealed to me through the Anointed One, Jesus Christ!”  (The Passion Translation)

Every time I have read that verse over the years of my adult life, I am always amazed that Paul wrote this epistle, his greatest letter of hope, encouragement and joy to his friends, when he was in what most Biblical scholars consider to be the most hopeless situation of his life.  And just like people have asked me since Piper’s passing, I often wondered if Paul’s faith was shaken because of the dire situation he was in.  But then, like me, I also understand that the answer is an unequivocal NO… but in fact, was such a situation that found his faith to be strengthen by the tremendous turmoil because his faith, like ours, was only bolstered because of the solid foundation his personal belief in the LOVE of GOD gave him, so as to NEVER cause (or allow) his trust in God to waiver!

In many respects, those last ten years are a complete BLURR to me.  At times, I find myself sitting in my home and thinking, “Where am I?”  “Where have I been?” “What happened to my sweet Piper?” and “Where do I go now?”

But after all those questions, I quickly revert to my knowledge of His faithfulness and I find myself comforted, in peace and full of His joy!  I may not have all the answers.  I may not like what we had to go through, and I certainly HATE the fact that Piper is no longer at my side. 

But I do rest in the FACT that God knows me and loves me with the same type of intimacy that Piper and I enjoyed over the 48 years of our time together.  And with that heart “knowing” I KNOW that His perfect plan for me is continuing to unfold before me… as I continue to trust in Him for EVERYTHING!

Conversations

I spent a lot of time in prayer yesterday.  But first, let me first explain what I mean by that.  When I pray, I simply have a normal, verbal communication with God.  Yesterday I prayed while I walked the dog around the neighborhood, while I watered the garden, while I traversed the aisles in Walmart… many times finding myself going the wrong way down he clearly marked lanes because I wasn’t paying attention… while I sat in my leather chair with notebook in hand in my study, and while laying in bed.  And like any conversation that I would have with a good friend, I talk for awhile and then stop and listen for His reply.  Then we discuss, we question each other, we laugh, we pause to think and sometimes like yesterday, I cry!

For some reason, these last few weeks have been very difficult for me.  I’ve read where certain important dates in a person’s life whose lost a loved one, will trigger avalanches of past memories and feelings.  And while the two-year mark of Piper’s passing is just around the corner, I think I finally figured out that I am also at a point in my personal journey without the star attraction of my life, of entering another transition time.  And that was the purpose behind my extended fellowship with the Father.

It dawned on me over this last weekend, that I am finding it more and more difficult to remember the soft feel of Piper’s skin, the wonderful aroma of her favorite fragrance, the warmth and tenderness of her physical touch around my arm, while holding my hand or placing her little hand on my chest. 

I found it both startling and scary when I realized that she is becoming more of a memory in all the many pictures I took of her over the years, rather than the tactile, living, breathing, laughing, spunky gal that was always there for me… and me for her… as she was the one who gave me much of my sense of purpose, desire and the honor and responsibility to love and respect and go out of my way on a regular basis to make her happy!  I think my favorite thing in life was to make her laugh!

A big part of the difficulty is that while I fully understand that this is all a part of the grieving process and is a natural step in helping me to continue on in life… one side of me does not want to see this happen. That side of me does NOT want to let go of her.

But I had a revelation one night over the weekend that greatly encouraged me in the midst of all this.  I had been reading from John 15:16 where Jesus was teaching His disciples and declared that: “You didn’t choose me, but I’ve chosen and commissioned you to go into the world to bear fruit. And your fruit will last, because whatever you ask of my Father, for my sake, he will give it to you!” (The Passion Translation)

As I meditated on that verse, I began to hear what I believed to be that very familiar small-still-voice on the inside of me, telling me that the process that He started in June of 2003 when he told me that it was time to go to Bible School, was not only to build us up and prepare us for the difficult years ahead with Piper’s illness, but was also to GET ME to Broken Arrow, OK - right here and now!  Those simple words acted as a reality shock, caused me to open my mouth in awe of Him and release a flood of tears.  The idea that He also had a plan for me in the midst of all the heart ache and pain was overwhelming.

I had been sensing for awhile that some changes were on the horizon… but to be honest… was not witnessing any physical response to my prayers concerning my present circumstances.  I have a personal list of things that I am believing for, but have been getting very impatient (which is actually unusual for me…) at what seemed to be a lack of promising results… I bet that some of you out there have felt the same thing at times… right?

So, all those revelations that I have had, some online ministry meetings that I have been watching and a couple of books I’ve been reading, along with my Bible, suddenly all seem to be pointing in the same direction… the direction of transition and coming changes.  And while I still don’t know what they are… I am both shook up and scared at my feelings but yet sense the small beginnings of a fire being stirred up inside of me.  Never a dull moment, right?  Who said that trusting in the Lord was ever a boring activity?

During the Lord’s and my conversation yesterday, I also took pages of notes in my journal (the 3^rd one I’m filling up since Piper’s leap through the veil), so I’ve got lots to write about in future blogs.  But for now, I just feel led to encourage both you and me to NEVER GIVE UP on your dreams, your visions and your requests to the Lord.  Talk with Him about them, listen for His replies, do what He says to do and continue to build up your faith by your consistent study of His Word, through prayer and through fellowship with other believers.

Have a great day and pass a smile and/or an encouraging word to someone in need!

 

BALANCE & Roses

I realized early yesterday morning that I was feeling un-BALANCED in my life.  When I sat down for my Bible Study a few hours later, I discovered a scripture that helped me to see things in the right perspective.  In a modern translation of Psalm 119:109, the Psalmist cries out to the Lord declaring, “Even though my life hangs in the balance, I’ll keep following what you’ve taught me, no matter what.” (The Passion Translation)  So, in keeping with my train of thought that morning, I read that verse as saying: ”Even though my life is un-BALANCED right now, I’ll keep following what You’ve taught me in Your Word throughout my life… no matter what!” 

I had always seen Piper’s and my life like a Seesaw in the neighborhood playground.  I pictured Piper on one side and me on the other with Jesus balancing everything out in the middle.  When I got up to take the pooch out early yesterday morning though, I suddenly felt un-BALANCED on the Seesaw of life.  I could see that Jesus was still in the middle, but Piper’s end was vacant and pointing way up into the sky… while I was sitting on the ground on the other end of the beam!

As I meditated on what I felt that the Lord was trying to tell me with that particular verse of scripture, I began to see that, as had always been in our lives, getting rebalanced was all about getting into the right alignment with Jesus!  If I was to take the Seesaw as a literal example, then I would understand that there would have had to be a regular shifting or readjusting of our positions throughout our 48 years together.  In the natural realm alone, I weighed a lot more than Piper… at times up to twice as much!

Now… Now!  I know what you’re probably thinking… but its not because I got fat (Although I’d have a hard time arguing with you right now…)!  Piper hardly ever weighed more than 105 with most days hovering right around 100… more likely under than over, and I’ve always been in the mid-190’s.  I had gotten down to around 185 during the first few months of our marriage and I clearly remember my Italian Mama taking me aside during one of the first times they invited us over for dinner since we had tied the knot, and seriously… and not too happily asking me “Isn’t she feeding you enough?  You’re looking very thin!”

But back to my Seesaw point… In order to balance the beam, we would constantly be shifting around to keep things level!  So, my point here is, that in order to re-BALANCE my life right now without 1/3 of the previous equation present, I just need to get closer to Jesus in the middle of the beam of my life.  Now that’s easier said than done… but in reality… it is a simple solution… and it’s the same solution that ALWAYS worked in our past to keep BALANCE in our lives!

When I sat down at my desk in my front room study this morning to start my Bible study, I returned in thought to the idea of BALANCE and almost immediately felt the Lord saying to me: “Jim, I want you to STOP and SMELL the Roses today!”  That pushed a laugh up from within me and I decided that I would take His word and look for roses along my path! 

As we stepped out for our morning walk after feeding the dog and a quick shower for me, I was determined to find a rose somewhere between our home, the golf course and the park.  And while I never saw an actual rose bush, I did have a couple of short but uplifting conversations with two of the golfers passing by in their golf carts, saw the most beautiful flowers in the midst of the grass in the park and enjoyed the ripples on the pond as a slight breeze blew down from the north.  It’s surprising how fragrant, BALANCED and beautiful the various sights and sounds of the locale of your life can be… WHEN YOUR LOOKING FOR ROSES!

And as my lovely wife would tell me… “Jim, that’s your confession and I believe every word of it!”  So, even though she is not here to physically, spiritually and emotionally BALANCE my life, I’ll take her advice and along with it, the understanding that even if she isn’t here sitting on the other end of our Seesaw, that she still plays a major role in the BALANCE of who I am today!

How about you?  Is your life BALANCED or un-BALANCED?  My suggestion is to find what it takes to maintain your balance… and along the way… STOP and SMELL the Roses that you discover along your paths in your daily lives!

August 1975

For some reason, I found myself wondering about what special events in history might have occurred on this day, the first of August.   So, a quick look online revealed that in 527, Justinian I become the sole ruler of the Byzantine Empire.  That’s pretty interesting right?  Although, I must admit that I had never heard of the guy.  A few centuries later in 1774, Joseph Priestley, an English theologian, chemist and author discovered oxygen by isolating it in its gaseous state.  Humm… that kind of sounds familiar…

But more in tune to my lifetime and memory was in 1975, when our (somewhat) hometown Golden State Warriors beat the Washington Bullets (4 - 0) to win the NBA Finals.  I never was a big follower of professional basketball, but I do remember some of the Warriors power years before the seemed to have fallen apart and finally resurged in recent years.

August 1, 1975 fell on a Friday and while I do not remember any specific events, I know that I must have woken up to the sight of my lovely new bride laying at my side in the back room of our older two bedroom apartment on Montgomery Drive, right around the corner from Howarth Park and down the street from her parents’ home on top of the hill behind the park.

Piper was working as a teacher at the First Presbyterian Church Preschool while I was employed at the old Sears store in downtown Santa Rosa.  If I remember correctly, Friday was a shorter day schedule for her, but she also had to go in earlier as well.

Piper wasn’t always the bright-eyed, bouncy morning girl that she became in later years… okay, maybe “bouncy and bright-eyed” is pushing it a little bit!  But she did become more of a morning person through the years!  (and I have her roommate in college to partially thank for that!)  Being as I always tended to awaken before she did, I most likely gently shook her shoulder and informed her that it was time to get up.

From there it was our new routine of showering, dressing, getting some Bible time in, eating and on the way out, snatching a kiss at the front door.  Then we’d hold hands as we walked out to the carport where we’d inevitably snatch another quick hug and kiss, before she reluctantly got in her little red woody Pinto wagon and went her way and I (just as reluctantly) slid down into my newly painted blue MG and went mine!

August of 1975 was a good year for us!  We had been married about three weeks and besides my full-time position in the Hardware Department at Sears, I had recently been asked to come on part-time staff at our church as the Junior High Youth Minister.  Our new life together was definitely looking quite blissful!  Piper was enjoying her teaching job and was very well liked by her students!  Without exaggerating, I would have to say that approximately ¼ of the Christmas decorations that I put on the tree this year were from the gifts that her students gave her during her three years at the school.

I had worked part-time at Sears while attending Junior College and then was asked to return as a full-time employee after our time at Chico State.  So, by then I had been in that particular position for over a year and was pretty knowledgeable and seen as one of the go-to guys in Hardware as well as in most of the other departments located in the basement of that small old Sears “B” Store.

Piper and I were pretty content, deeply in love and ready to tackle the world!  Besides our secular jobs, our life pretty much centered around church!  If we weren’t teaching our classes and having a blast with our students… we weren’t that much older than that first group of youth… we were playing our instruments and singing on many a Sunday Morning or during special services.  It felt like we were one big extended family.  And seemed as if we just about knew everyone and everyone knew Jim and Piper!

We had decided early on in our dating days that we were going to follow the leading of God for our lives, to GO wherever He called us to GO and to DO whatever He instructed us to DO.  If I had a scripture to best sum up that time in our lives, it would have to be from the first three verses of Psalm 23 where we would have said with David that:

“The Lord is our best friend and our shepherd. We always have more than enough.  He offers a resting place for us in His luxurious love. His tracks take us to an oasis of peace, the quiet brook of bliss.  That’s where He restores and revives our lives. He opens before us pathways to God’s pleasure and leads us along in His footsteps of righteousness so that we can bring honor to His name.” (The Passion Translation – personalized)

Today, as I look back some 45 years to that day and time, I can honestly say that through the ups and downs of life, we did a pretty good job of sticking to our original decision or CHOICE made during our dating days.  Since Piper’s passing almost two years ago now, I never fail but to smile and thank the Lord for the good times Piper and I had in our seeking to serve Him. 

And even though there are many rough nights (like last night) where I am tempted to throw in the towel and cry over my pain that I feel with her absence from my side, I almost immediately am reminded of the thought of the Lord greeting my Piper at those pearly gates, giving her a smile and a hug and saying: “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful over a few things; I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your Lord.” (Matthew 25:21 MKJV)

So, what more can I say!  Would I do it all over again, knowing what I know now?  Without a second thought!  She may be gone from me, but she is present with the Father and the Son, and when I think of that I am quickly taken back to “His oasis of peace and the quiet brook of bliss.  For, that’s where He restores and revives my life!”

And that my friends, is what I am also believing for each of you as well!  Have a blessed weekend!