Random Thoughts...

One thing that I have learned over the last year and a half is that the grief process makes for a very strange bedfellow!  When you read many of the fine books written about the process, of which I’ve read three… one twice… most agree that it is a five-step process.  What I didn’t foresee was the way that one can easily bounce back and forth throughout each of those five steps.  In my personal experience so far, just when I feel like I’ve progressed through numerous steps, a memory pops up from nowhere and I suddenly find myself in a deep dive back down to step one! 

I’ve come to accept the fact that when one loses someone very close to you, that you become very susceptible to many random thoughts, emotions and memories that like I stated earlier, seem to simply appear out of nowhere!  I went into the kitchen a week ago Saturday night to pour myself another glass of Pepsi Zero Sugar while I was watching TV, and suddenly pictured Piper in my mind’s eye and completely fell apart!  All I could think of and croak out while the tears poured down my face was how much I missed her!  And then… whoosh!  The emotion was totally gone and I stood shell-shocked in front of the counter thinking… “Where did that come from?” 

Over this last weekend I was in the bedroom unpacking a couple of wardrobe boxes when I came across some of Piper’s nicer clothes and her collection of shoes.  That was difficult as the further down I went into the box, the deeper I went into countless memories of her wearing a particular outfit or pair of shoes.  I finally had to sit down on the bed and pet the dog while wave after wave of emotions flowed over me.   

And while we’re on the subject of Piper’s shoes, as I sat in one of my two La-Z-Boy recliners this morning in the midst of my daily Bible study, I found myself glancing at a picture sitting on one of the speakers near the TV, of a 19 year old Piper sitting sideways in a chair on her parent’s deck with one foot extended across the frame.  Before I realized it, I started chuckling at the thought of her feet… Yes… you heard right, her feet!  You see… now don’t think this to be weird or anything… but, I was always enamored with her little feet.  Like the rest of her small statured frame, she had tiny feet (size six) and even tinier toes!  

During the summer when she wore her sandals and was seated on the couch or bed, I was known on occasion to reach out and surprise her at times when she least expected it, by reciting the nursery rhyme about “This Little Piggy” while gentle pulling on each of her toes until I got to the little toe and would wiggle it saying… while both of us laughed uncontrollably by that time… “And this little piggy cried ‘wee wee wee’ all the way home.”  Like I said, random thoughts! 

I had another random thought yesterday while Fiver and I walked along the golf course to the neighborhood pond.  It suddenly dawned on me of how God seemed to have waited until I had finished my first year at Bible college before we received the first negative report concerning the findings of Piper’s initial brain scans back in 2007.  The first-year curriculum consists of an intensive study of the tenets or doctrines of the Biblical Word of Faith principles that we believe in.  It was like a step by step review and greater revelation of all the truths that Piper and I learned and taught for the previous 31 years… You talk about God knowing EXACTLY what we needed in order to face what was ahead of us.

Earlier in the morning I had read from Romans 10:8-9 where Paul teaches us: 

“But what saith it? The word is nigh thee, even in thy mouth, and in thy heart: that is, the word of faith, which we preach; That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” (KJV)  

As I did a word study on many of the terms used in this scripture, I came to understand that the "word" that that is spoken of is the “rhema” word of God, which in difference to the “Logos” of God, is a word that God speaks to one’s heart that most times has special meaning to the individual for something in their lives.  In other words, it is a word of significance that one takes the time to knead and work into their daily lives.  It is a word that, when worked in, becomes a part of who you are and of how you respond when pressed with the difficulties you may face. 

The word “nigh” or “near” in modern translations means “to squeeze (Strong’s); to be near in place or position.” (Thayer’s)  I got the immediate thought after reading the original Greek meanings, that it’s that Word that you’ve worked into your character so that it is your first thought and/or reaction when squeezed with pressures of life.  And that is exactly what happened with Piper and I after we received that first detailed negative report.  We didn’t panic… sure I felt a TON of sorrow and pain at that shocking pronouncement… but I/we didn’t panic.  We instantly knew that HE was our only answer and we quickly put it ALL into His hands. 

His promises to me are what usually come to mind immediately after experiencing those emotion filled random memories of Piper that come out of seemingly nowhere.  Yes, I strongly feel the pain and all the associated emotions, but I don’t stay there.  Instead of giving in to self-pity, I seek the peace, praise and refuge that comes from His Word.

How about you?  Where do you go when you are squeezed with the pressures you face in your life?  Like I always tend to say… God’s Word works!  So, I would implore you to take the time to get into His promises.  And like baking a loaf of bread… knead it and work it so that the finished product is soft, tender and delicious to the taste!  I’d much rather have the taste and flavor of the victory that His Word gives me rather than the staleness of fear… Wouldn’t you?