Expanding My Capacity...

I found it kind of interesting… at least to me… when I considered in the shower today, that the good Lord has been teaching me some very special things each morning!  That may not seem so interesting in itself, but the fact that it’s been between 6:30 and 7:30 each morning for about a month now is. 

You see, I am still not sleeping as well as I used to (before Piper got sick) and find myself waking up at unusual times throughout the night.  For some reason, a month or so ago, I started getting up around 6:15 in the morning to take the dog out to do his thing after the long night.  We usually go out into the backyard where he sniffs around for a bit, takes care of business, and then we go back inside where he gets a snack and I go back to bed.  I find that I actually enjoy being outside when the first glimpses of sunlight are just peaking over the house tops.  Unless there is a neighborhood dog lurking behind a fence nearby, it is a time of gentle reflection in the quiet and calming part of the day... and it seems to work in any weather as we’ve been out there in the rain, snow, ice and cold wind… like today!

The whole process only takes about ten minutes and by the time I get back to bed, the sheets are still warm and in my relaxed state, it is easy for me to have a simple conversation with God.  So, we talk… and I emphasize the word “WE”.  If you’ve never experienced this type of connection with the Father, I would strongly suggest that you give it a try.  In my experience though, it is not something that necessarily happens immediately, but is a sensitivity that takes time to develop.  

When I get snuggled back in bed with Fiver about three inches away from me, I usually find myself confessing many of the scriptures that I’ve been studying and then I begin to ask questions and/or think out loud about the meaning of a particular scripture that has had a special significance in something currently going on in my life.  Then I pause and listen.  And it is during those quiet times that I’ll sense His voice in my thoughts, speaking to my heart.

For the last week, our conversation has been centered around Ephesians 3:18-19 where the Apostle Paul prays for us believers that, “with all of God's people you will be able to understand how wide, long, high, and deep his love is.  (That) You will know Christ's love, which goes far beyond any knowledge… so that you may be completely filled with God.” (God’s Word ©)  

As many of you know, it was a special revelation of the intimacy of God’s love for me and Piper that helped us… and especially me, to hold on to my trust in Him without reserve and believe the promises of His Word throughout the 11 years of our battle for her health, no matter what I saw happening before me or with the negative conclusions that people bombarded me with concerning Piper and our finances.  Lately, in our early morning conversations, God has been talking to me about the ability of extending my intimate, experiential and very personal knowing of His love to include the new friendships I will be making and especially toward the potential of finding another covenant partner.

I’m not sure if that sounds strange to anyone out there, but I’ve begun to realize that I have not wanted nor necessarily had the capability in my heart for another special individual except for Piper.  You have to understand, that whenever I have fleetingly considered being with someone else, that my thoughts IMMEDITELY fast-forward to the time that I pass through the veil and end up in heaven… and have to face Piper… knowing that I had been with someone else!  And YES I know, that with her passing that it is perfectly and Biblically legal for me to be with another… but in my minds eye, I am still stuck with my focus of God’s love 100% on Piper. I would NEVER in a billion years want to do anything to hurt her!

Over the last few weeks though, He has been showing me that the boundaries of His love go WAY beyond my natural understanding (which Ephesians 3:19 describes).  Obviously, that’s how it has to work in heaven when Christians lose a spouse, remarry and they all end up in heaven!  God’s love is much more expansive than we realize.  How else could God love us after all the awful things we’ve done before we got saved... and maybe while we’re saved?  So, in a nut shell (and I’ll share more on this in future posts), as I continue to focus my attention on His love, I believe that He will begin to expand my understanding and open up my capability to love another with His peace and blessings.

Like I said, maybe that sounds weird to some, but it is definitely beginning to make sense to me and has suddenly given me the ability to see the potential of a future, normal, happy, fulfilling life again!  Yesterday I even began to see the possibility of a pastoral ministry format that could work for me… if you remember, Piper’s and my original plan after Bible School was to pastor our own church.

So… we’ll see what God has in store for me.  And you know, if He can begin to give me a picture of a bright future again… after having lived through my personal WORST CASE SCENERIO in life… He can do it for you as well.  If you recall, Romans 2:11 tells us that “God does not play favorites.” (God’s Word ©) 

I pray that you have a great week as you take some time alone with God to expand your own knowledge of the intimate way in which He loves YOU!  That’s what I am expecting… How about you?