Where's My Mind?

I’ve been doing a fair amount of research lately on the Biblical understanding of the heart.  At the onset of Piper’s initial diagnosis, I came across a definition of the heart from God’s point of view, that was written by a Christian author and evangelist/teacher whose ministry Piper and I connected with in the early years of our marriage.  Within the book I was reading, the author related the Biblical story from Luke 16:19-31 of The Rich Man and Lazarus the beggar that Jesus told.

The part that caught my attention was when he explained the interactions between the two individuals AFTER they had died.  It seemed that once their spirits had left their physical bodies that they still had their memories and with it the ability to recall information, formulate and articulate thoughts into words and recall the sights, sounds and events of their physical lives. 

With that, the author explained his understanding that the mind is actually a part of man’s spirit and NOT of the physical brain since these two individuals had died, left their bodies (and their brains) behind but could still communicate normally in the afterlife.  At the time, this thought really excited me as I thought about Piper’s memory still being able to function even though her physical brain was beginning to deteriorate.

Through the years that followed, this idea seemed to prove out to me as Piper never lost the glow of light in her eyes and continued to recognize individuals she knew.  As things progressed, you had to look closely for the signs of recognition as they were not always as clear as the smile she gave to our neighbor two weeks before passing.

And then I heard another teaching recently that reignited my enthusiasm for studying the heart of man.  I was lying on the bed just before turning the light out for the night and was enjoying another Christian teaching on TV when the speaker used the same section of scripture and went on to explain in a little more detail what I had read years before.  I got so excited that I jumped up from the bed, looked at the dog asleep in his bed and literally yelled “That’s it!  That’s it!  That’s what I heard and agreed with before!”

Since that night a few weeks back, I have been looking for other verses that would confirm this teaching and have been pleasantly surprised that it is actually a common explanation.  This morning I was studying in Psalm 37:4 where David writes, “Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” (KJV)  As I began to do a word study, I quickly ascertained all the powerful truths in that one little verse and how they were proved true in Piper’s and my experience over the last 10 years.  But for now, I’ll concentrate on the Hebrew and Greek definitions of the word translated 'heart.'

In the King James Version of the Old Testament, the vast majority of the 727 uses of the word ‘heart’ are defined as “the feelings, the inner man, the mind, thinking, memory” (Strong’s/Brown-Driver-Briggs – Strong’s #H3020)  In the New Testament almost all of the 106 uses of the word ‘heart’ are used to describe “the thoughts or feeling” or “the mind.” (Thayer’s Greek Definitions- Strong’s # G2588)

I’m sure that we’ve all read or heard testimonies of people who have died and went to heaven only to come right back as loved one’s on the earth prayed for them.  In all of the accounts I’ve read, heard or seen, the individuals always describe people that they saw in heaven who recognized them.  There is also the account of Jesus and the three disciples who accompanied Him up to the mount of transfiguration and there communicated with Moses and Elijah.  It’s obvious that the two visitors had their minds functioning in order to fellowship.  Then of course, there is the discussion of the great cloud of witnesses in Hebrews 12:1 that have gone to heaven before us and now cheer on our spiritual progress from the great hall in heaven.

So… I am even more convinced now about this truth than I was back when I first came across this discussion.  And after living through Piper’s example of one whose heart was actively filled with the Word of God and therefore enhanced her ability to push past the destruction of her physical brain in order to speak to us… I can’t deny the unusual wonders and plans of God’s creative genius!

There is a lot more to this subject, but I’m running out of room for today’s post, so I’ll continue next week with some of the ramifications of this thought and how they answered many of the questions I’ve had along the path of Piper’s and my recent journey!  I also believe that it can help each us in communicating with and ministering to those around us with dementia related illnesses.

So, until then, have a great weekend, and as you do, say with me… “I am expecting to gain a whole new understanding to I Corinthians 2:16 where it tells me that ‘I have the mind of Christ!’”

Gates!

Our property has three gates on it… well, sort of!  Facing the house on the right, there is the double gate that allows access to the back with a vehicle.  On the other side, at the far end of the fence, is a small gate and in the back to the far right is the last gate that leads to the property behind the fence line.  I said sort of because after having the property surveyed, I learned that the left front gate is actually NOT on our property!  That side of the yard borders a large common forested area in our neighborhood and the gate actually marks the property line.

I can see how it most likely came about as the side fence follows a straight line down that side of our yard, while the actual property goes at an angle from the far back corner, 10ft behind and a couple of feet to the left of the corner.  Whoever built the fence either didn’t know it or figured that no one would care!  Our place is one of the very few that have a fenced-in yard in the neighborhood, which was one of the few “must-haves” on our list when we were looking for a house.  With Piper’s needs at the time, I had to know that the dog would be okay outback in case I couldn’t always be out there with him… or her at the time!  But back to the gates…

Gates do a lot of things.  They allow a controlled way to get in and out of a closed-in area as well as give a sense of security, at least in our case, since the fence around the yard is only 4ft tall!  When someone wants to get into a fenced area, they normally will go to the nearest gate.  Sounds a little like what is going on at our southern border here in the USA doesn’t it!

In John 10:9 Jesus tells us that, “I am the Gate. Anyone who goes through me will be cared for—will freely go in and out, and find pasture.” (MSG)  To “find pasture” literally mean that “he shall not want the needful supplies for the true life” and/or to find “growth and increase.” (Thayer’s)  When I read that verse this morning I immediately thought, “Well, You’re sure trying to drive home a point here aren’t you Lord?”  So, I paused for a moment, collected my thoughts, grabbed my “Piper’s Story” journal that I started a few days after my wife’s departure to heaven, and wrote:

“Jesus is my gate.  Now more than ever before… not anyone or anything else… He is the ONE in whom I can go 24/7, into His presence and find the peace, the satisfaction, the rest and the void-filling I so desperately need to find… RIGHT NOW in my life!”

And I realized at that moment that I depended on Piper more than I thought.  I knew that she would always be there to love me, encourage me, hold me and just enjoy me for who I am.  No matter whatever kind of crazy day I had at work in my 20 years at H.P. and Agilent Technologies, or any of the other many jobs I had throughout the years, even including some rough times at the different churches we served in, I was assured that when I walked into the serenity and sanctity of our family home, that she would be my rock, the great equalizer who would bring me peace and comfort no matter how hectic things had been, no matter if I had a throbbing migraine (to which she’d immediately place her normally cold hand on my forehead and it acted like a tender ice-pack!) or was confused, embarrassed or angry about something stupid that I had done!

And now suddenly… she is with me no more!

So, what do I do now?  I go to the gate!  As far as I am concerned, all three of the gates in our yard lead to His serenity.  I know that God had a definite plan for the time we moved in, for the time of caring for my wonderful wife in this beautiful home and property… and now afterwards in my time of “life recovery.”  I’m finding that I really enjoy standing in the very middle of our backyard and slowly turning 360 degrees to enjoy the peaceful scenery, sounds of nature… and many times, the sounds of silence!

I also find that this is what it is like for me to walk through Jesus’ gate as I spend time with Him and the Father in His Word during the day and at night in the darkness of our room as I pray in bed.  The writer of Hebrews 4:16 gives us a similar line of truth when he or she wrote concerning Jesus the High Priest of our confession who has been tempted in every way we have yet without any sin, “Therefore let us come boldly to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (EMTV)

Probably like you… I need to find “His grace to help in time of need” a lot lately!  In fact, I’m discovering that I need it like NEVER before… sometimes just to make it through the next hour!  For He’s made is clear in His Word that His grace, like Piper’s love for me, will always be there to help me though and past this chapter in my life and guide me into what He has next in store for me!

And yeah… He will and most likely is already, doing the same for YOU!  So, reach out to Him, find His gate and walk on through!  Have a wonderful week, and as you do, say with me… “I am fully expecting to find the peace that only Jesus can give for my life today… and tomorrow as well!”

Shower Studies...

I’ve been getting some meaningful revelations in the shower lately.  Maybe I should see if I can find a waterproof Bible and do my morning Bible studies as the hot water beats down on my neck and shoulders!  Since my wife’s passing, long showers have become quite the luxury for me! 

You see, she had a seizure one morning about seven years ago just as I was stepping out of the upstairs walk-in shower in our home back in California.  As soon as I heard what was happening with her, I grabbed a towel and ran downstairs to the bedroom we had recently moved into as she couldn’t maneuver the stairs anymore that led up to the large master bedroom/loft.  When the seizure seemed to be going on for longer than usual, I called 911 and knelt next to the bed attempting to calm Piper while I discussed the on-going situation with the emergency dispatcher. 

When everything finally subsided, I took a deep breath and noticed for the first time that I had lost the towel somewhere on the stairs and had been ministering to Piper and following the dispatcher’s instructions with nothing on!  And even though it had been a really intense time, I suddenly burst out laughing when I realized that the firetruck and ambulance would be arriving at any moment and that I was not very appropriately attired!  So, without revealing too much detail to the dispatcher, I informed her that I probably should hang up now that Piper seemed to be coming out of it and get dressed before the emergency personnel arrived! 

Following that event I started taking showers at night after Piper had gone to bed and was never in the water for more than just a couple of quick moments!  Therefore, the longer showers now have been a God-sent to me and they have allowed me to listen to Him while the hot water loosens my tight morning muscles!  I would have never imagined how much emotional stress can make every joint in one’s body ache!

In the steam this morning, I thought more about “validation” and realized that God validated me at the very beginning of Piper’s and my long journey with her health needs.  In Psalm 37:6 God tells us that “He'll validate your life in the clear light of day and stamp you with approval at high noon.” (MSG)  As I relaxed under the pressure of the hot water, I could see that my first validation was actually at night rather than under “the clear light of day,” but I’m pretty sure that the time of day does not invalidate the scripture… Never-the-less, when it occurred back in 2007, I had literally run out to the covered soils storage racks at the back of the garden department of the South Tulsa Home Depot where I was working in order to get my emotions under control, since I had just received the phone call giving me the initial reports of Piper’s original brain scans.   

As I relived that moment, I could see that I wasn’t afraid or confused but instead confident and full of expectation that God and His Word would work for us.  The emotions that were splashing all over my dirty orange apron were a result of my compassion and love for the most important person in my life!

I understood this morning that God trusted me back then to seek out and obey whatever directions He would give to me for the care of my Piper’s needs… even though we had absolutely NO idea of what was ahead.  As the situation unfolded and decisions were needed to be made and/or action was needed to be taken… like ministering to Piper in times of emergency as per the seizure incident I mentioned above…  we just did whatever was required without much hesitation or question.

Over the last couple of months since Piper’s passing, I have had some time to contemplate our experiences and cringe at the thought of the many times where it was simply a day to day existence and that I hardly ever knew what was going to happen the next day!  To be perfectly honest… I am not sure how I made it through all of it… but you know?  With God’s help I did!  I guess that I kinda proved the validity of His verse in Philippians 4:13 where the Apostle Paul said that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (MKJV) 

I also realized that I am in a very similar place today!  Like I keep saying… that while I may have absolutely NO idea of what God’s plans and purposes are for me now… what I do know, is that He continues to give me His validation for my future!  And that is good enough for me!

What about you and your future?

Have a wonderful new week as we officially enter into the 2018 Christmas Holiday Season, and as you do, say with me… “I am fully expecting God’s validation on my life as I seek Him and then follow what He has to say!”

Observations of a Cooper's Hawk!

I just came in the house from playing ball and chasing after Fiver, and let me tell you that my face feels like its frozen!  It is currently 30 degrees with a very slight breeze, but in the sun it really doesn’t feel that cold… until you stop moving!  It was 22 degrees when I first got up this morning, so it has warmed up a bit and is promising to get all the way up to the mid-forties later this afternoon!  Sounds like it will be just about the same as yesterday’s weather.  But don’t worry… I am still wearing my shorts, although that pattern will most likely change with Piper’s absence in the house.

When she was here and immobile, I kept the house pretty warm both summer and winter in order to keep her comfortable.  Her comfort though, meant that I was usually hot and so I wore shorts all year round!  But so far this fall, I have been enjoying keeping the house temperature down and wearing all those warm tops that I haven’t worn for years!

When we first had our oldest son Josh, Piper used to call me “heater man” and would hand the restless baby over to me to hold as my warm body would usually cause him to relax and fall asleep!  Ah!  Another fond memory.  Seems like I’ve had an endless supply of those lately… especially throughout the day yesterday.

I was actually a little glad when I turned in early last night.  It meant that I could put my first Thanksgiving without my wife in 48 years behind me.  It was a rough day that I didn’t quite expect to turn out as it did.  With the effects of the Alzheimer’s slowly stealing her physical abilities, Piper and I hadn’t actually had an interactive Holiday Season since our days in Oklahoma ten years ago.  What I am now beginning to realize over these last 2/12 months since her home going, is the power that her physical presence had in my life… talking, walking or not!

So, yesterday’s surprises started early.  I woke up at 5:30 AM and just couldn’t get back to sleep!  Once I finally dragged myself out of bed, I meandered over to my “Piper Picture Wall,” zeroed in on one particular print, wished her a happy Thanksgiving… and fell apart!  The grief books I’ve been reading call it a “grief spasm” or being “ambushed by grief.”  Whatever you call it… they sure pop up unexpectedly!  Like almost every time I’ve gone grocery shopping at Walmart without her!  We went to that particular store a lot and I guess it still holds many memories to me!

Well that top-of-the-morning event was the beginning of many such experiences throughout the day.  Piper and I loved to entertain and I couldn’t help but bring to my mind all the times that we had her extended family over for Thanksgiving dinners and fellowship.  I was telling our younger son Jeremy on the phone yesterday, that his Mom enjoyed just about every aspect of the event, from the mad rush to clean the whole house the day before, the food preparation and cooking in the kitchen, to bouncing around the house playing the part of the perfect hostess as she aimed to make everyone feel comfortable, happy and at home throughout the day’s activities.

Then there were the times yesterday when the day seemed to slow to a crawl and all I could do was think about how lonely I felt without her at my side!  I took Fiver out back many times throughout the day to play ball with him… and that activity seemed to help my emotions immensely.  At one point late in the afternoon as the shadows were falling deeply from the trees surrounding our property, I stood quietly in the middle of the yard watching Fiver sniff around, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of our neighborhood Cooper’s Hawk flying magnificently amongst the tall trees.  As he flew across the back and landed in the top of a tree in the commons area next our home, I stood at awe and meditated on the glory of God’s plan for mankind… and in particular for me!

That experience brought a scripture that I had recently read to mind.  It is found in Job 42:5 where Job told the Lord that “I had heard about you with my own ears, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.”   I am not sure if you’ve ever seen a Cooper’s Hawk fly, but they don’t fly like an ordinary bird.  When they first take off from a perch they’ll tend to swing down toward the ground, take a few slow majestic flaps of their big wings and then simply glide across their path.  The whole thing is stunning to observe and seems to be performed in slow-motion!

As I watched him float throughout the tree canopy, I could only think about how, even though I have no idea as to the what’s, where’s, who’s or when’s… that I have seen the Lord work countess miracles in Piper’s and my life throughout the years and just know that even if He seems to be working in slow-motion, that He isn’t about to change now… and that gave me a lot of hope in the middle of yesterday’s hopelessness!

In a commentary of 2 Corinthians 4:15 where it declares that, “as God's grace reaches more and more people, they will offer to the glory of God more prayers of thanksgiving,” John Wesley noted that “Thanksgiving invites more: abundant grace.”   And I am beginning to sense that prayers and confessions of THANKSGIVING is something that I need to be majoring in about now in my life!  With all the confusion attacking me… some abundant grace would be really sweet and calming! 

What do you think?  I bet it would be good for you as well!

Have a great holiday weekend, and as you do, say with me… “I am expecting to be filled with God’s abundant grace as I give Thanks unto Him today!”

Ouch and Thanksgiving!

I had a very poignant but physically painful experience last night.  I had just walked into the bathroom in our master bedroom when I noticed that the empty mouthwash bottle that I had haphazardly tossed into the waste basket earlier in the day had missed its mark and was lying on the floor.  So, without much thought I bent over, grabbed it and tossed it into the container.  Then I stood up… or attempted to as I forgot about the magazine rack that I had so cleverly attached to the wall right above where I was rapidly ascending to… Yep!  You got it!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I got the metal edge of the rack right in the top of my head… and boy did that hurt!  And the hurt only got worse as the initial shock wore off.  When I turned away from the corner that I was facing and toward the sink, I went down on my knees while I found myself laughing and crying out in pain at the same time!  Crying out in pain because it REALLY hurt and my head was throbbing.  Laughing because my very first thought was two fold…

First, I immediately pictured Piper bursting out in laughter and yelling out from the bedroom, like she almost always did when I’d come in the house bleeding from some minor cut or scrape that I’d inflicted upon myself while working on some project, saying “Jim, you gotta stop hurting yourself!”  And secondly, because I knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would rush into the bathroom to check on me as she verbally rebuked the devil and spoke healing scriptures over me… while calming me down with her delicate touch.

That’s where poignant moment came in.  I sorely missed that interaction with her!  Piper always seemed to be nearby whenever I needed her.  But it wasn’t all without a little bit of caring from another… As soon as I hit the floor, the dog jumped off the bed and made a beeline for me!  When the pain finally began to subside, I looked up and met Fiver’s wet nose as he was standing close to me with his nose on the floor next to where I was holding my head! 

He never made a noise but the look in his eyes said it all!  It was nice to know that I did have someone around who was looking out for me… although I am not sure how he would have handled making the 911 call if it had been necessary!  (Which it wasn’t… and although I’ve got a slight headache this morning, there isn’t even as much as a bump on my head! PTL!)

I thought about Piper’s almost always immediate reaction of speaking out the Word of God to come against the negative situations that arose in our lives, as I was reading from 2 Timothy 4:7 during my Bible Study time earlier today.  At the time of this writing, the Apostle Paul knew he was nearing the end of his life and comforted his young protégé Timothy by telling him, “I have made a good fight, I have come to the end of my journey, I have kept the faith.” (BBE)

As I read those words, I couldn’t help but think of them as being spoken by my lovely wife to me!  She most definitely fought a good fight and could confidently declare as the final moments of her life passed by, that she had done an exceptional job at keeping the faith throughout the entire journey of her life.  Those thoughts also reminded me of a testimony that I had been listening to last night just before the whole bathroom bump incident occurred.

The preacher was recounting a time when he awoke one morning on a day he was scheduled to speak on the subject of Biblical healing at a large church… with the flu.  He recalled that he was so sick that his wife had to shave him in bed and then help him to get dressed.  Like Piper (or I should say, Piper like him, as we have been supporting and learning from this man’s ministry since the early 1980’s), he immediately began speaking out God’s Word on healing and was determined to prove God’s Word correct and speak at the church!

Well, to make an interesting and humorous story shorter, with the help of friends, he made it to the church and up to the pulpit.   He then received his healing as he began to speak on the very subject that he was personally dealing with.  He stated that he spoke for an hour and ten minutes and was totally healed and physically free from all the symptoms that had set themselves upon him when he walked off the platform!

Someone later asked him about his stand of faith and in particular, “What if you died?”  And without missing a beat, he boldly declared “then I would have stepped right into heaven totally healed and whole, yelling out the healing scriptures that I had been confessing!

His personal experience made me realize that with all the Word that we had been pumping into Piper over the last ten plus years, that I am POSITIVE that when her time came and she stepped boldly through the veil that separates our realm from that of heaven, that she walked forth with great strength and joy and without missing a beat… immediately joined in with the glorious choirs of heaven sounding “like the noise of raging water and the noise of loud thunder. The sound I heard was like the music played by harpists.  They were singing a new song in front of the throne, the four living creatures, and the leaders…” Revelation 14:2-3 (God’s Word ©)

And yes… I was also reminded of the vision that the Lord had given me on multiple occasions over the last few years of her stepping through the doorway of heaven wearing her signature blue jeans, plaid, long sleeve cotton shirt and white running shoes… with a big smile on her face, a hop in her step and a gleam in her pretty brown eyes!  And… I betcha that is exactly how it happened!

2 Corinthians 4:16 tells us that “Though outwardly we are wearing out, inwardly we are renewed day by day.”  I firmly believe that another reason why the Lord told me early on to continually pump the Word into Piper, was precisely because of what this verse implies.  While her outward form may have been deteriorating, her inside self, her spirit, the REAL Piper was growing stronger and stronger because of all that Word.  And then when the time came… the REAL, strong Piper on the inside emerged!

Wow!  Makes me want to keep pumping all that Word into… ME!  Wouldn’t you?

All these thoughts give me many things to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving holiday!  I may be temporarily separated from my best friend in the whole world, but I can be thankful for all the right things we did in obedience to God’s directions and the truth of His Word, while I rejoice at Piper’s newfound peace and joy in heaven!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends, and as you do, say with me… "I am expecting to be THANKFUL for all that Jesus has done for me… as well as what I can and have done for and with Him!”

All I Can Say Is: WOW!

I am happy to report that this weekend went much better as far as the random and extreme emotional responses to the endless memories of life with my wife Piper who passed into glory a couple of months ago.  That’s not too say that there weren’t times when I was overcome with grief as a special remembrance or thought suddenly sprung up in my mind!  But as a whole, it was a little easier for me and I am thankful for that!

Late yesterday afternoon I found myself jumping up from the La-Z-Boy recliner in the corner next to the east window in our living room, as I read a portion of scripture in Revelation chapter four where the Apostle John describes the throne room of heaven.  I had been reading in the book “Life After Death, rediscovering life after the loss of a loved one” by Reverend Tony Cooke who was for many years, the Senior Assistant Pastor at Rhema Bible Church in Oklahoma as well as an instructor at the Bible College there, which I attended.

I had forgotten that the book was part of the curriculum at school but was reacquainted with it as I was going through the shelves in our library in the study a few weeks back.  Since then I dove into its contents with great hunger as I was pleased to find a book on the grieving process written by someone in our own denomination.  I am not totally sure why that was important to me, but just like my great desire to attend our world renown Bible College in order to hear the message of faith that Piper and I literally grew up with since we were in our early twenties directly from the source, I wanted to read about grief from a source I was familiar with and trust.

And I can say without hesitation, I have not been disappointed!  In the second part of the book the author discusses from a Biblical standpoint, such subjects as “The Origin of Death, What Happens When We Die, Freedom from Fear of Death, and Heaven: The Believer’s Hope.”  It was in the chapters about heaven and “What Will We Experience in Heaven” that I came across the descriptions in the book of Revelation.

As I began to read through the list of the amazing sights that we will see in heaven, I couldn’t help but turn to my right and look at a picture of Piper that I taped on the home entertainment cabinet next to me and could only exclaim, “WOW!”  Then in between the tears that suddenly began to freely flow, I stammered out the rest of my thought declaring:  YOU’RE THERE… RIGHT NOW… IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT… SPLENDOR AND GLORY…WOW!  WOW!  WOW!

I’m pretty sure that I must have looked like an idiot as I sprung up from my seat while shouting and singing praises to God… but mostly being overwhelmed by the vivid picture of my once totally debilitated wife who was but a shadow of her former self in her last days on this earth, whose current picture I adamantly refused to display over the internet as I wanted everyone who knew her to always remember who she WAS and not be overcome with self-pity for her when they took notice of what that terrible disease had done to her… That Piper was NOW - TOTALLY HEALED AND WHOLE and I’m pretty positive, looking WAY BETTER than even the picture on the side of the piece of furniture that was taken in what I consider her prime physical years in the late 1990’s.

I mean… think about it.  What is she looking at on a daily basis now?  Let’s see there’s:

·       The Throne of Almighty God  “and behold, a throne was set in heaven (and One sitting on the throne) similar in appearance to a jasper and sardius stone, and there was a rainbow around the throne, in appearance like an emerald.”                         Revelation 4:2-3 (EMTV)

·       The Book of Life

·       The Magnificent Creatures Who Worship God Perpetually

·       The 24 Elders

·       The Redeemed – Those saved Through God’s Mercy

·       The Holy Angels

·       And the awe-striking descriptions of God’s throne, “brilliant as gemstones-jasper and carnelian,” the glow of emerald circling the throne like a rainbow, the crystal sea of glass, the sea and fire and all that beautiful music and singing 24/7!*

Okay… I will officially go on record saying that I am jealous of my wife… and although I GREATLY and PAINFULLY miss her with every fiber of my being… I CAN”T HELP but rejoice, cry and be glad… all at the same time for her!  After all she gave in this life and after all she went through in the latter years of her life… I can’t think of anyone who deserves what she is now eternally experiencing!

And yeah… I know inside that I’ll be okay… eventually… even though I am currently having a very difficult time understanding how.  What I do understand though, is that I just need to do what Piper and I did for the entire 48 years of our relationship… and that is to “Trust the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths smooth.”  Proverbs 3:5-6 (God’s Word©) 

I’ve learned in life… and especially now, that there are many times when my TRUST levels have to highly exceed my levels of UNDERSTANDING… you know what I mean?

But in the meantime… I’ll keep picturing my lovely wife walking through the golden streets of heaven with a perpetual smile on her face (somethings never change!) and a skip of joy in her step as she enjoys and participates in the daily glories around God’s throne!

Have a great THANKSIVING week everyone!  And as you do, say with me… “I am fully expecting to TRUST in the Lord and rejoice with thoughts of what it will be like in heaven with Him!”

*For further details of heaven's splendor read: Revelation chapters 4,5,7,14,15, 19-22

Defeated and Disarmed!

The last few days have definitely been days of surprises for me.  First it was the painful revelation that Piper knew and was quietly struggling with the changes that were beginning to surface in her mind a few years before we really started talking about it.  I came across a confession prayer that she had written back in 2002 and placed in her Bible where she was, among other things, claiming back her ability to “assimilate and associate information quickly and accurately.”  Back then we were all aware that she was having a little difficulty sometimes “finding the right word” but all medical evidence pointed to symptoms of menopause. I had no idea then of what she must have been dealing with.  

Today I was continuing to study Joshua 1:9 where the Lord reminded Moses’ newly appointed successor, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (ESV)  As is my custom, I did a word study on some of the expressions that stood out to me and found out that the term “courageous” translated in the King James Version as “of a good courage” means to “be alert (physically, mentally and spiritually), to be bold, secure, and or obstinate.” (Strong’s, Brown-Driver-Briggs)

According to the Oxford Online Dictionary, to be “obstinate” means “to stubbornly refuse one’s chosen course of action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so.”  That definition gave me the first jolt of surprise this morning… but I’ll get back to that in a moment!

Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew Definitions tells us that to be “dismayed” is “to be shattered, broken, scared or to be abolished.”  Dictionary.com states the definition of “abolished” as “to do away with; to put an end to, or to make void.” 

Well, that’s where things got interesting to me!  As I studied this verse, I was immediately drawn back in my mind’s eye, to the beginning stages of our stand of faith for the reclamation of Piper’s health and of our obedience to the course that we firmly believed that the Lord wanted us to follow.  In many ways I felt that we had a lot in common with Joshua, as he also began his personal journey of faith in leading God’s chosen people to the destination that the Lord had planned for them.

In thinking about the various events that occurred in those first few years, I realized that we went through some pretty tough times while the Lord set things in motion for us.  Looking back now, I can readily see that I was pretty obstinate when it came to pursuing God’s plan in the face of quite a bit of disagreement from others. 

I had a client with our yard care business during that period that would tend to come out and talk to me as I worked on the various projects around her property.  She was an old family friend and was aware of many of the difficulties that we were facing.  She once told me that I was “a plodder,” explaining that once I got a sense of direction, that I just kept “plodding along” to the prescribed finish… no matter what or who tried to upend me… I always took that as a compliment… I hope she meant it to be!

But let’s look at another definition.  According to the Hebrew dictionaries, when the Lord was encouraging Joshua to not be “dismayed,” He was pre-warning him to not allow himself to “be shattered, broken or seared…” and not to give in to anyone’s attempts to “abolish” His plans for Joshua and the Israelites.  Dictionary.com informs us that in modern usage to “abolish” something means “to do away with, to put an end to, or to make void.”

Then it hit me like a brick and in an instant, I saw the malicious trickery and deception of the enemy of our souls!  It became pretty clear, pretty quickly, that in the early years of our burgeoning stand of faith for my wife’s life the devil did his best to abolish our stand of faith, void the loving atmosphere and memories of our children’s childhood, and put an end to our parental influences with our kids and the respect that they gave to Piper and I.  Let’s face it… he was trying to knock our feet out from under us!

That same client and family friend I mentioned previously also told me when discussing extended family relations, that she thought that I was naive in certain situations.  And of course, I disagreed with her at the time… but since then have learned that I NEVER would have expected some of the things said and done.  At the time I knew these things we’re incorrect but did not understand the full scope of what was attempting to be done toward Piper and I.  And to be honest, I don’t think the individuals in question did either… but the devil can be quite deceptive in his maneuvering. (See: Revelation 12:9)  I just knew that Piper and I were trusting in the Word and what we believed God’s plans for us were… and that NOTHING was going to bump us off course.  That’s where the “obstinate” part of me kicked in… in high gear!

In fact, in many ways, I’m thankful for the persecution because it made me dig in deeper to God’s Word and become stronger and firm in my faith!  I’ve often heard said, and now firmly agree, that great victories only come through great battles! 

So, what’s my point?  When you enter into a stand of faith… just about any stand of faith, “Keep your mind clear, and be alert. (for) Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion as he looks for someone to devour.” I Peter 5:8 (God’s Word ©)  And believe me… he’ll use any unsuspecting individual that he can influence with his lies, or partial truths.

Piper and I learned many lessons in life the hard way… but at least I believe that we did learn the lessons… well most of them!  One of Piper’s favorite sayings about the devil was that “Jesus defeated and disarmed him!”  I fondly recall the many times she taught that lesson to our Children’s Church classes throughout the years.  She was a pretty decent artist and would draw and then cut out a figure of the devil on a large sheet of paper.  Then she would dramatically tear off the arms and feet of the character while teaching the class… and the kids would always ooh and ahh at her flamboyancy!  

So now, because you are more alert to the tactics of the enemy, be ready like my lovely and spunky wife… to shout the truth out… that because of Jesus’ finished work of the cross that the devil has already been defeated and disarmed and therefore… cannot come against you!  Praise the Lord!

Have a great weekend, and as you do, say with me, “I am expecting to walk victoriously in the face of the attacks of the enemy today because he’s been defeated and disarmed and cannot touch me!”      (ah… I bet that felt good!)

Make It Personal!

I was standing on the back patio a few minutes ago on this cold and wet morning here in central North Carolina, watching the dog run through his morning routine around the yard, when I caught myself turning and looking up at the empty dining room window.  At that moment I realized just how lonely I was feeling since my wife’s passing.  I began to recall how many times I would look up into that particular window on days like this when it was too damp to take Piper outside with us and smile while I observed her sitting there in her red wheelchair seemingly enjoying the view of our spacious yard.

I also realized that even though she was completely disabled and unable to communicate verbally, that her very presence still gave me a great sense of calm and confidence!  The picture of her in that chair also reminded me of the long and sometimes difficult journey that, for some reason, that expensive but multi-functional candy-apple red chair seemed to represent!  As I turned my gaze back to the dog now sniffing the wet leaves and mud under the large Tulip Poplar tree in the northwest corner of our property, I thought about something I had heard last night.

When I was getting ready for bed the previous evening, I was listening to a well-known evangelist that Piper and I have always respected when he stated that the Lord had recently given him a mandate to go back to teaching the very basics of faith.  When he said that something clicked inside of me and I turned to my 71-pound lap dog who was all cuddled up on my bed with his head resting comfortably on my pillow… and declared, “that happened to me too!”

I know that I’ve told parts of this story before, but some of it is worth repeating today.  A couple of years after our return home from Bible College and our three year stay in Oklahoma, I came to the revelation that something was amiss!  Actually, to put it so mildly is quite the understatement.  At that point it seemed like everything around me was spinning wildly.

By then, Piper and I were deep into the medical investigation of her declining health situation, I had finally quit my secular, outside-the-home job as my wife could not be left alone anymore and we both knew without a doubt that I was the one to care for her, and it seemed like we were getting all kinds of unsolicited and many times questionable “advice” from almost everyone we came into contact with! 

It was at this point in prayer one morning, that I clearly heard that old familiar voice of the Lord inside of me telling me that it was important for us to develop a new network of family and friends, as many parts of the old one that we formally participated in and trusted had changed or could not be depended on anymore.  And as I began to think about His directions to me, it was pretty evident who was to be included in that new network from the positive interactions with some friends both old and new, cousins and others who seemed to come out of the woodwork in order to be a blessing to us.

Along with that part of the equation, I also found myself questioning almost everything that I had been taught at church over the years, in Bible School and the tenants of my faith that I thought that Piper and I always believed in and actively stood for.  Over the next few years it wasn’t too surprising to me that I discovered in my search for the real truth, that I STILL believed pretty much everything I had before Piper was stricken.  The main difference now though, was that I finally began to personalize it!  I understood that I/we had to take ownership of what we were believing for and like I’ve said many times before, grow and then protect our faith.

Throughout this time, we still had well-meaning people sharing what they wholeheartedly believed we had to do, both spiritually and physically to insure Piper’s well-being.  In the midst of all this, I ascertained pretty quickly that for many of these folks, their advice tended to fall into the “my way or the highway” category!  That is when favorite scriptures of both Piper’s and mine like Joshua 1:9 came into play in our situation.  In Joshua’s desperate time of need in the beginning stages of his leadership of the Israelite nation, the Lord told him… as I believe He told me, “I've commanded you to be strong and brave. Don't ever be afraid or discouraged! I am the LORD your God, and I will be there to help you wherever you go.” (CEV)

The strong, brave and not be discouraged parts of that verse is what continued to minister to me the most in the ensuing years… right through and including today! 

As life progressed, I learned that it takes great trust in the Lord and the truth of His Word to be strong and brave and not yield to the pressure of others while refusing to be discouraged at their responses to our actions of faith.  To stand on your own two feet in and on what YOU believe to be the truth and the God-given path that YOU are to follow isn’t always easy, but the results are worth the effort!

I’ll share more on this subject in future posts, but as for today, I wholeheartedly encourage you to study and find out what are the truths of God’s Word that YOU really believe and choose to stand on.  Then when the difficult tests of life come… and they do come to all of us… your ability to come out on top will prevail!  Have a great rest of the week, and as you do, say with me… “I am expecting my personal stand on God’s Word to put me over the top of any difficulty that should arise in my life today!”

What's Inside?

I was thinking the other morning that my wife never lost her sense of humor throughout her long illness that resulted in her passing onto glory about two months ago.  If someone asked me to characterize Piper, I would say without any hesitation that it was her joyful countenance, her engaging smile, that special gleam in her eyes and of course, her encouraging words.

I had a few folks in the early stages of our journey warn me that with this disease, it would not be unusual for her demeanor to change at any time and turn violent.  These individuals based their concerns on family or friends who had or had heard of a loving parent or spouse who suddenly struck out at a caregiver.  I have to confess that I probably wasn’t very sensitive to these concerned remarks as each time I heard similar comments I would automatically burst out laughing.  Once I got ahold of myself, I always tried to backtrack and calmly declare that they definitely didn’t know my wife!

I would go on to explain that after being together since high school, that I had a pretty good idea of what was inside of her!  I had an intimate knowledge of the amount of God’s Word that she absorbed on a daily basis, of her history of faith stands during difficult times and of her well-honed default mechanisms of joy that seemed to click on whenever fear, doubt or unbelief attempted to invade her or our family’s life. 

It wasn’t like I was trying to be a smart aleck or anything like that… it’s just that I KNEW what made my wife tick and the fear that might cause her to react in a violent behavior had absolutely no place in her life!  (Although I do recall the time very early in our marriage, when she threw a spatula at me across the kitchen… but I think I deserved that one… and we did have a pretty good laugh afterwards… especially since I had to clean up the pancake batter that was all over the floor!)

A few examples of her response of joy would be when I received a couple of calls from the local police department when Piper got lost in Oklahoma and again when back in California.  While in Oklahoma one afternoon, she dropped me off to work and then went to drive back home.  I got a little concerned when she didn’t call me to let me know that she had gotten home safely.  Instead, after a prolonged time I received a call at work from a not-too-happy female officer of the Broken Arrow police department saying that they had Piper in a neighborhood that I was not too familiar with.

It turns out that Piper took a wrong turn on the way home and got lost, so she stopped and knocked on someone’s door who immediately freaked out and called the police!  Well, I got a ride from a wonderful Christian coworker at the store I was working at and as we drove into the neighborhood, we spotted a police car, a fire truck, a fire rescue vehicle and an ambulance surrounding Piper and our little blue Mazda.  When I jogged up to the car with concern written all over my face, Piper simply sat there with a cute and carefree smile on her face!

The incident in Santa Rosa was somewhat similar except that Piper went out to chase the dog who had run out the front door when her Mom came over to pick her up for a church prayer meeting while I was at work in a Home Depot store about an hour away.  To make a long and complicated story short, while out chasing the dog, Piper got lost again but had the presence of mind to flag down a passing police car. 

So… you guessed it.  I got another call from a not-too-happy policeman who kept wanting to take her to the hospital to which I kept explaining her situation and letting him know that I would soon be on the scene.  (By then I was already on the way home as I had previously received another call from a neighbor who had caught our dog!)  Well, he baulked at my requests and to my dismay, called an ambulance.  When I finally got to the hospital, I had to pay our $150.00 co-pay before I was allowed into the examination room. 

As I walked into the room, there was my wife sitting on the edge of the bed, with that same cute and carefree smile on her face!  As it happened, the two nurses in the room with her were also smiling and explained (in agreement with me) that there was really nothing they could do as she was already under our doctor’s care and that her behavior was inline with the effects of the encroaching disease.  The supervising nurse was also kind enough to talk to the admissions desk and get them to remove the charge from my debit card!

Piper’s expressions and quiet displays of inner joy never left her up and through the final hours of her life as I sat at her side and looked deeply into her beautiful brown eyes.  In those final moments I could still see the light and the life that emanated from her expectancy in the truth of God’s Word working in, for and through her.  It was that unshakable trust in Him throughout her 65 years of life that ignited the joy that just seemed to ooze from her very being.

In speaking of Jesus, the Apostle John, who was known as the Apostle of love, tells us that “In him was life; and the life was the light of men.” (KJV)  Piper’s heart and constant outward appearances of JOY was founded on and never wavered from the light and life of Jesus.  Even after she lost her ability to speak, Piper still managed to smile at those who loved on her.  So yeah… what do I think of when I think of my wonderful wife?  First and foremost, it was her unbounded JOY in the midst of just about any situation that she faced in life!  And that is another part of her legacy that I endeavor to continue through my life.

Have a great and joyful week, and as you do, say along with me… “I am expecting to let His joy shine through my life today!”

Precious in His Sight

I may have mentioned this before in recent blog posts, but I’ve probably thought and read about heaven more over these last two months than I did in the previous fifty-some years of my Christian walk!  I would imagine that my wife’s new residence there has had something to do with this phenomenon…

Both Piper and I were never ones to dwell a lot on our heavenly futures.  While some around us tended to comment about how they couldn’t wait for Jesus to come back and take us home when times got tough, we tended to look with excitement at God’s Word and at what it declared that Jesus had provided for us here on this earth, to get us through the difficulties in great victory!  I think we’ve just always been more in tune to accomplishing the current activities He called us to right now, then the end times.  But that said… with Piper’s home-going, I’ve had an uncanny desire to find out what it is like up there, to imagine what she is doing and to picture her rejoicing in the throne room of God. 

I’ve been enamored lately with a verse that I recently read in Psalm 116:15 were it is written: “Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of his faithful ones.” (God’s Word ©)  This verse continues to give me great joy and peace as I imagine the welcoming committee that met Piper as she came through the gates of heaven a couple of months ago, and now of the daily fellowship, worship and rejoicing that she is doing with family members, biblical characters that we are all familiar with from the stories in our Bibles, and a whole bunch of old and new friends! 

On a hunch this morning I looked up the original Hebrew definition for the word translated “Precious” at the beginning of this verse.  All three of the different Hebrew/Greek dictionaries that I looked in pretty much agreed that the writer was trying to convey the ideas of something “prized, rare, costly like precious stones or jewels, beloved and of great price.” (Strong’s Brown-Driver-Briggs/Thayer’s)  All of those words tended to give me a picture in my mind’s eye of the look on the Lord’s face as He greeted and hugged a strong, healthy and vibrant Piper Kaye.

A few of those definitions also got me to thinking about all the various costs that we incurred since those first tests back in 2007.  I did some rough calculations a couple of years ago and figured that at that time we had already spent, out-of-pocket, more than 40K on Piper’s medical needs alone.  And these last two years were much more demanding than the previous ones… so I’m sure that it has well surpassed that number. Then if I was to add all the other expenses indirectly associated with her care like moving across country to be nearer to our kids, trading in expensive cars for a lot less than they were worth so that could haul her new wheelchair around, special clothes to meet her ever-changing needs… and the list of incidentals goes on and on!

So, I guess I whole-heartedly agree with the Psalmist in that Piper, who is undoubtedly one of God’s “faithful ones” was and continues to be quite valuable, costly, prized and honored.  And you know, when she was here in my care, there was never any expenditure that I questioned.  Whatever she needed, she got, no matter the cost. For we knew from day one beginning with that special prayer we prayed as we held hands late at night after receiving the first negative report on her initial tests results while in Oklahoma back in 2007, that our “God shall supply all our need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19 KJV)  And He did!

Today as I write this, we have no debt and along the way we never had to borrow any money to pay for any of her medical expenses.  Isn’t God Good!  I think much of this comes down to the fact of being God-minded when you enter into a journey like the one Piper and I went through… and I still find myself involved with by entering into the next chapter of His plans and purposes for my life.

As many of you know, we focused our attention on Him at the very beginning and never allowed ourselves to be swayed off the mark by the well-meaning comments, suggestions or even negative remarks from other’s… and what more can I say?  It worked for us and it can work for you as well.  WHY? Because as the Word declares, YOU are precious in His sight!

Think on that thought for a few moments right now… YOU ARE PRECIOUS IN THE SIGHT OF GOD ALMIGHTY… YES YOU!  And He has given us the tools that we need to be successful in everything we come across in life within the very pages of His book, the Bible.  Remember those aren’t just words printed on a page, they are the very life and power of God speaking to you and they are for you to put into work in the situations you encounter on a daily basis! (See: John 1:1-5)

So yeah… back to my original point.  I do think a lot more about heaven now and along with it, I think about how precious we all are in God’s sight… be it there rejoicing in glory or working through a tough situation here on the earth.  I believe that His view of us is the same whether we are there in His presence or down here among men.  It pleases me very much to think of my Piper totally set free from every life-stealing effect of Alzheimer’s and of her jumping, laughing and dancing with the Lord… But I also have peace about the special plans and purposes that He has for me… and YOU right here, right now!

Have a great weekend, and as you do, take a moment or two to think about how precious you are in the sight of the Lord, then declare with me… “I am expecting to experience the good pleasure of the Lord today!”