Personal Validation

Val-i-da’-tion (val-i-date):  1) To declare or make legally valid 2) To mark with an 

                                                  indication of official sanction

I learned an important lesson yesterday.  My wife and I have a friend who we used to be close to.  We now see this individual sporadically, usually when they attend church a few times a month on Sunday mornings.  I have seen a pattern developing between my wife and our friend that I must admit has really bugged me, but I haven’t known why… until the Lord began to reveal a few things to me.

The routine normally begins with the friendly greetings of “Hello” followed almost immediately by the question “Do you know who I am?”  My wife usually brightens with a smile of recognition and after a pause (reactions come slowly as an effect of the AD) says “Yes!”  Then the other person will tend to ignore the validity of the reply and go into a dissertation of who she is in relation to my wife.  I have talked to this individual about my wife’s clear knowledge of her on multiple occasions (with the last conversation occurring as recent as last week), but it seems to have been to no avail.

Yesterday was the final straw for me.  So instead of breeching the subject one more time with our friend, I decided to take it to a higher authority.  After lunch I went to the Lord in prayer, unloaded my frustrations and sought for some insight into the problem.  Later in the afternoon I took my wife on a drive through the beautiful countryside that lies just east of our home.  For some reason, going for a drive in our new car has been a source of great contentment and time of peaceful reflection for me.  As we drove I found myself continuing my plea to the Lord as I prayed aloud and talked to my wife at the same time.

What the Lord began to unfold to me was our friend’s need to validate herself through reestablishing her position with my wife.  Due to my wife’s condition, it is as though our friend must continually justify her own self worth or importance each time they meet.  Their relationship has temporarily changed due to the symptoms of the attack upon my wife and it must be very uncomfortable and confusing for our friend to adjust.  What I now see is that the conversation is immediately turned from being about my wife to that of the other individual.  This is a position which is safe and comfortable for our friend.  I also now understand why my wife’s attention rapidly fades away when in conversation with her.

My wife will light up when others will come up and spend time talking to and about her and what is going on in her life.  Holding that kind of conversation takes some effort and perseverance as my wife may not always respond in direct accordance to the direction of the intended conversation.  But those who persist, like our friend Wayne did yesterday, are rewarded with her utmost attention and humor!

So what did I learn?  Well, two things.  First of all it has allowed me a greater understanding and therefore a more patient and caring response to our friend’s actions.  It has also given me some direction on how to help her to be more comfortable in my wife’s presence and to assist her in confirming her self worth in this difficult situation.  Secondly, it has helped me to take a look at myself and work on not reacting the same way when situations arise that I am not comfortable with.  It has made me more aware of the need to be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Now, is that my job because I am a Pastor or is it my requirement because I am a Christian or rather just a person who wants to make a positive impact on the lives of the people I come in contact with?  The bottom line I think, is that I just want to be an encouragement to others.  I think that should also be the bottom line for most of us!  I really believe that it is what our heavenly Father desires also.

Think about it for a moment.  Validation should really be about helping the other individual.  When you enter into a conversation with another person, does the subject matter always revolve around you or the other individual?  The practical application of emotional validation says that we must first accept the other’s feelings, then understand them and finally nurture them. (See: http://eqi.org/valid.htm#What Validation Is) This takes courage, confidence and persistence on our behalf, but the results (as with my wife’s positive reaction to those that do) are well worth the effort!

How about you?  Do you want to make a positive difference or add to the problem?  Putting aside yourself and reaching out to another will cause your own validation to occur and you’ll receive an official sanction of good standing in the kingdom of God!  Have a good week.  Tune into His Word and keep asking yourself… “What am I expecting today?”