What a Week!

I was standing at our living room windows last night preparing to close up everything before bed, when I caught the voice of an actor on a TV commercial who was talking about how wonderful it was for him to have someone from a homecare company to care for him in his older years.  And without a moments hesitation I found myself loudly stating “NO WAY!”

Then everything came back to me in a wash of memories and feelings.  I had adamantly promised my wife as the realities of her changing medical condition began to come to light, that she would NEVER be alone, that I would NEVER put her in a home or in the care of strangers and that I would be at her side the WHOLE time.  And you know… I am happy to say that I WAS able to fulfill that promise to her!

But surprisingly, it wasn’t always the easiest thing to do.  Not because of difficulties on my behalf, but because of all the pressure put on by others to get me to go back to work and “get someone to watch her,” or to put her in a home because “she was going to get unmanageable or violent (what a hoot!) as the disease progresses,” or “you need time away from her,” or when people needed my help on some project to “just pay someone to be with her so you can help me!”  I think what bothered me the most, was that to some people, Piper simply became a non-entity when she could no longer verbally communicate and care for herself.

This Friday will mark what would have been our 44^th Wedding Anniversary together.  So needless to say, it’s probably not going to be the easiest week for me!  It kind of started last Wednesday when I went to the UPS store to get a notarized request for a certified copy of my birth certificate.  In the midst of the transaction, the lady helping me asked what brought me to Broken Arrow.  Well, my reaction to her innocent inquiry surprised me as I immediately got choked up, had to pause for a moment and then softly reply that I had lost my wife while living in North Carolina and moved out here to be with our kids.

Then when I went out to the car in the parking lot, I plopped down into the hot seat, closed the door and just sat there in the quiet cabin of the car for a few moments simply staring at the busy road in front of the store while I calmed my confused thoughts, emotions and shaking hands.  Whew!  I haven’t had that happen for a while!  I was reading from Psalm 55:4-5 and it seemed to perfectly capture my experience from the other day saying that, “My insides are turned inside out… I shake with fear, I shudder from head to foot.” (The Message)

That event on the day before the 4^th of July just seemed to open up the door to all kinds of outward emotions over the holiday weekend.  I spent much of last Saturday with my youngest daughter and her family and had a great time.  We went out to brunch at the Waffle House and then spent a few hours looking at new recreational trailers at a local RV showroom. 

It dawned on me at one point as we traversed the outdoor showroom that was packed with trailers, that I sorely miss doing what my daughter and her husband were doing at that moment… freely dreaming together about future possibilities without any reservations put on by physical restraints like the dream-destroying phrase that “We could never afford that!”  My daughter and her husband, like Piper and I before them, have come to know the Word of God that boldly declares to those of us who actively pursue Him and believe His Word that “my God will supply all your need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:19 EMTV)

I had to stop once again out there and regroup my thoughts and emotions as I considered how much I miss my Piper, how much I miss holding her little hand that seemed to be expertly crafted by the Almighty to perfectly fit into mine, and couldn't help but reminisce of the joys of dreaming with her.

I was thinking this morning of how empty my heart feels without her and thought of Paul’s words to the church in Philippi when he emotionally wrote that “You have a special place in my heart…” (Philippians 1:7 God’s Word ©)  But every time I go down this emotional road, I always come back to the truth that my heart isn’t totally empty because there is also a special place where like Hannah in I Samuel 2:1 happily prayed aloud, I can… and do regularly declare, “My heart finds joy in the Lord.  My head is lifted to the Lord…” (God’s Word ©)

So, Yes… It may not be the easiest week for me, but through it all, I can’t help but continue to return to the ONE who has brought me through the worst of times and will continue to be at my side throughout the years and changes ahead!

How about you?  In Whom have you placed your trust?  

Have a good week, and as you do, say with me… “I am expecting God and His Word to uplift and carry me through to His victory in His peace this week!”