Process/Work and the Pain...

This last month has been kind of a world-wind time for me with the passing of my wonderful wife and life-long companion.  It’s come complete with all kinds of thoughts and emotions flying wildly through my head!  It’s been a time of tremendous pain, emotional stress and emptiness.  I think I now have a pretty good idea of what they mean when they talk about having a broken heart… there have been times when I have actually felt like my physical heart broke in two!

I promised the Lord early on in this process that I would not question Him about the “Why’s” of Piper’s situation, but instead trust Him implicitly for our incredible 48 years of joyful and productive life together.  I’ve been through the tremendous hurt and confusion of having people question and criticize my every move, and believe me when I say that it does absolutely nothing to help the situation.  From my personal experience it only builds division, causes frustration and can easily lead to anger and unforgiveness if not dealt with.

So, why put that kind of pressure on myself?  Instead, I’m choosing to move on from here.  Now don’t get me wrong… I am not saying that I have an easy road ahead of me.  I was reading through a magazine sent to me by our friends at the hospice organization we’ve been working with called “Compassionate Journey.”  In it (and I would imagine in the continuing issues I’ll receive throughout the next year) there are numerous articles about the many different philosophies on the grieving process.

As I looked at the somewhat opposing views of the “Process” and “Work” models, I could see myself as I meander through the early stages of this new walk in parts of almost all of them!  One of the six “R’s” of the process of mourning developed by Dr. Therese Rando, who is the author of “How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies,” as well as a psychologist in Warwick, Rhode Island, where she is the Clinical Director of The Institute for the Study and Treatment of Loss, is to “Recollect and re-experience the deceased.”

Well… that hit the nail on the head, as I and many around me have been enjoying many positive peeks into Piper’s and my past.  There have been so many “incidents” that have come back to my memory alone, that I haven’t been able to keep up with recording them in my journal entitled, “Piper’s Story!”  But along with the smiles and the heartfelt thoughts also come the moments of tearful recognition that she will no longer be occupying the seat in the car next to me, lie on the other side of the bed, or have the ability to walk hand in hand with me through the next season of life.

So where do I go?  Well, as before, I continue to depend on God and His Word.  Colossians 1:9 tells me that I can pray to Him asking “that he would fill me with the knowledge of His will through every kind of spiritual wisdom and insight.” (God’s Word © personalized)  And this morning I discovered a proclamation of the Psalmist who declared with heartfelt praise to the Lord that, “the pleasure of the Lord our God be on us: O Lord, give strength to the work of our hands.” (Psalm 90:17 BBE) 

I had to stop and ask myself after reading this particular Psalm what was and how do I discover the PLEASURE of the Lord.  Then I realized that he is referring to God’s will and as we know today, that His will is found in His Word!  So… as I caught myself doing yesterday as I walked down the hallway in our home, I need not be repeatedly whining about not knowing what my future holds, but instead be thanking God that He is showing me His will… and then GET into the Word and allow Him to lead me to His plan and His purpose for this next chapter in my life!

And you know?  There are other benefits to spending more time in the Word during this tough time in my life as it is one of the few places where I can find true peace, rest and renewing from the emotional, physical and mental tumult that I am going through!  And I also know that it is the place for each of you to receive peace from any and everything that might be going on in your lives right now!

What do you say?  Want to join me as I begin at the book of Romans and read/study through the New Testament epistles?  I would suggest that you do it at your own pace, take a few notes but mostly… just ask the Lord to show you His will for you.

Have a terrific weekend, and as you do, say with me: “I am expecting to discover God’s will for my life as I spend time with Him in His Word!”

Shades of Grey

I was watching the end of a BBC program on Netflix yesterday where the Detective Inspector, who recently transferred from London to a small island in the Caribbean, leans on the railing outside the tiny police station and looks off across the town with a happy and contented look on his face… as if he has found a new home.  That look immediately spoke to my heart and I found myself asking the Lord out loud if I would ever be happy again. 

I mean let’s face it… My sweet wife Piper has had a lot to do with my state of happiness for 48 years, ever since I was a goofy seventeen-year-old kid in High School!  That’s a long time, wouldn’t you say?  So, what about now?  Well, that question rambled around in my head throughout the day, just about all night long and has continued into today!

This morning though, I finally had a breakthrough as I looked once again at John 1:16 where we are told, “And out of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace.” (EMTV).  What’s really caught my eye over the last few days is the end of that verse where it says we’ve all received “grace upon grace.”  The first time I saw this verse I read it as such: “And out of His fullness we have received… and on top of all that, He’s giving us grace upon grace.”

Another one of the “biggies” I learned throughout the journey that Piper and I embarked upon with those first set of tests back in 2007 in Broken Arrow OK, was the depth and scope of God’s grace.  At one point it was like someone slapped me across the face… not in a negative way, but as a positive wake-up call to the truth!  As we faced the various trials and tribulations that unfolded along the way, I began to see that God’s love which He actively demonstrates through His abundant grace is very much colored in shades of grey and NOT black and white!

Not only did God begin to change many of my pre-formed understandings of how and why and for whom He did things, I also began to see that a fair amount of the seemingly clear-cut (ie; this is the only way…) Biblical advice we got from different people through the years wasn’t so… well… clear-cut as they prescribed.  I began to see and understand just how much God looks at the heart of those who truly and consistently seek Him… and I believe that is what His grace upon grace is all about!

When I looked up the Greek definition for grace as used in John 1:16, I discovered among other things, that His grace is defined as “that which affords you joy, pleasure, delight, sweetness, charm and loveliness.” (Thayer’s)  I’ve had people tell me things about God and the way that they believed He would do things in our situation that did not evoke a sense of joy, pleasure or delight in me.  Has that ever happen to you?

But putting that aside for today’s purposes, the truth that caught my attention is that God’s grace does brings us joy, pleasure and delight.  That definitely gave me hope for a personal future that would and could and very well should be happy again… as I continue (there’s that word again) to keep my focus on Him and His Word… all interspersed with the truth of His grace upon grace being poured down on me!

And you know… If He promises to do that for me… well… He’ll do it for YOU as well!  If you recall, the scriptures tell us that “God does not play favorites.” (Romans 2:11 God’s Word ©)  When His Word declares that He is giving us “grace upon grace” that’s exactly what He means!

That kinda makes me happy!  How about you?

Have a wonderful rest of the week, and as you do, say with me… “I am expecting God’s grace to fill me with joy, pleasure and delight today!”

Game On!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the practical advantages of living a life of faith.  Living your daily life in such a way that the expectation of God’s Word working in your life is an active participant in the way you get up in the morning, navigate through your day and go to bed at night.

I found myself praying over the kitchen sink this morning for God’s vision for the new week ahead.  Having just come through an intense eight-year period of being completely focused on God working in my wife’s body, I now find myself needing a purpose, a plan… a daily vision to guide me through the weeks and months ahead.  I need to get back into the place where my expectation of God’s best working in my life is firing on all eight cylinders!

The Weymouth New Testament tells us “…that hope never disappoints, because God's love for us floods our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:5)  When I heard the guest minister share this verse yesterday at church something inside of me jumped as I wondered if that word “hope” was actually the Greek word “elpis” which means “to anticipate, usually with pleasure” or “expectation.”  And sure enough, when I checked it out this morning in one of my Greek dictionaries, I was right!  So that verse might better be translated as “…Our expectations never disappoint…”

My wonderful wife moved on to glory one month ago yesterday and everyday since, I have heard that familiar voice of the Lord speaking inside of me telling me to continue building my faith, to not stop or even lessen the amount of the faith building Word that I absorb and then disseminate each day.  I’ve seen what a lack of faith and the absence of expectation that comes with it (See: Hebrews 11:1) can do to a believer… and after what I’ve just gone through, I don’t want any part of that in my life!  How about you?

When you get a few moments, take the time to read through Hebrews chapter eleven, the so-called roll call of faith chapter.  And as you’ll notice, faith does a lot of things for us!  According to my favorite God’s Word © translation, Faith:

·       Assures

·       Convinces

·       Leads

·       Enables

·       Pleases God

·       Waits on God

·       Produces Miracles

·       Causes us to make right decisions

·       Conquers

·       Receives

·       May force us to go through some difficult times

·       But… Gives us God’s plans

As I build my faith through the study of God’s Word (See; Romans 10:17) my expectation soars and I joyfully look for and expect everyone of those twelve by-products of my faith in Him and His Word to work – on a regular basis – in my life!

So even though I may not YET have a clear picture of God’s next steps for me, I’m definitely not gonna slack when it comes to my daily intake of God’s Word.

With a tear in my eye, I retired our old and very worn-out healing scriptures confession sheet that we used multiple times a day for the last eight years.  As I gently placed it in Piper’s old bed stand, I suddenly felt a happy jolt as the idea popped up in my head to replace that well-used, purpose driven confession sheet with a new one just for me in this new chapter of my life!

And so, my new “I Can Do All Things Through Christ” confession sheet was born and it is already up to four pages and growing.  It is filled with every uplifting and encouraging verse I could think of… and then some… from both the Old and New Testaments!  I am currently editing the verses to personalize them so when I speak it out it is from the first person and truly from my heart!

Like I said… I’ve learned too much and gone through enough to know in the journey of Piper’s health that I am not about to do anything less but instead… My plan is to up my game!  I like living life full of the EXPECTATION of God’s best in my daily life! 

How about you?

Have a great new week ahead, and as you do, confess with me… “I am doing everything I can to keep my expectation of God’s best alive and active in my life!”

That Was Fast!

“But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”

                                                                         Hebrews 11:6  MKJV 

I was thinking this morning while preparing breakfast, that I definitely received the complete package with Piper.  In every area of human endeavor, physical, spiritual, mental and emotionally, I feel like I hit the jackpot!  And then I understood… and now… in this new chapter of my life in which I have been thrust… God is not about to change His ways.  Hummm… I like that thought!

I was feeling a little down yesterday afternoon and most likely a bit sorry for myself, and began to ask the Lord to make the way for me to develop some new friendships… even while I am still here in North Carolina.  Then I began to thank Him in faith, for those as yet unseen opportunities.  After a while I got involved in some other activities around the house and forgot about the earlier prayer request.  Then a few hours later as I started to think about preparing dinner I got a phone call.

Well… wouldn’t you know how good and faithful God is!  That call was an invite to a special Homecoming church service and luncheon this Sunday as the special guest of the Pastor… who just happens to be one of the chaplains from Piper’s hospice group.  Pastor Randy and I had developed a great relationship over the last year and a half and I had looked forward to attending his church.  So, now I will be!

When I hung up the phone it dawned on me that that call was a direct… and quick, I might add… answer to my prayer of faith, that I had followed by thanksgiving as I believed at that point that He not only heard but was answering my request, earlier in the day!  I also saw that event as a confirmation that God was staying true to His word given to me a week or two ago about He and I continuing to interact… just like Piper and I did for the last eleven years (more like 48 years, if the truth be known)!

You know?  I would be hard pressed to ever question God and His Word when He declares that “He is a rewarder of those who DELIGENTLY seek Him!”  But I would also have to add the stipulation that His rewards come to those who actively take steps of faith in response to their seeking Him.  According to that same scripture, faith is THE way to please Him.  And as I have continuously stated, our active faith in Him and his Word is what kept us going over and through all the bumps and barriers on the road we endeavored to follow for Him over these last years.

So… while I am just beginning this new chapter in my life, I will continue with the same vision of faith and trust in His Word that has successfully carried me so far in this life.  How about you?

Have a great weekend, and as you do, keep asking yourself… “How am I expecting my faith to lead me today?”

NOW!

I discovered last night as I was sorta-kinda watching TV, but mainly focused on what I was writing in my new “Piper’s Story” notebook that I had felt the Lord wanting me to start soon after my wife moved on to glory, that I’ve been tending to think about much of the negative stuff that’s happened to us over the last eleven years and then starting to carry those thoughts into my potential future plans and purposes.

I saw something in a commercial that triggered the reality that Piper should have lived another 20+ years.  She was always so healthy, by far the healthiest in her family and usually within ours.  She was a very positive person, nutritionally minded, exercised regularly and as those who knew her would agree, was spiritually, emotionally and mentally full of peace, praise and thanksgiving unto God!  If truth be known, I feel very strongly that we were robbed of some of the best times of our lives together.

And as I am sure that most of my readers know, in no way, shape or form do I blame God for he is the giver and not the taker of life.  The blame rest squarely in the hands of the master thief whom Jesus Himself warned us about when He exclaimed: “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10 EMTV)

But along with that knowledge comes the thoughts of “What could I have done differently?  What better decisions in life could I have made?  Did I work hard enough?  Did I always hear the Lord correctly?  Did I? Could I? Should I have…?” 

But suddenly… in the middle of all that condemnation I heard something familiar inside of me practically shout: “Whoa!  Whoa!  Stop that nonsense!  You can’t go back and change the past (even if all that stuff is true… which it’s not)… But you can take the right steps to continue to walk in the future I still have planned for you!”

What came to mind next was the remembrance of that cold winter night back in 1976 when I was laying in my bunk in a cabin at Junior High Youth Camp with my boys who had finally fallen asleep after a VERY active day, and clearly hearing that quiet voice inside of me distinctly calling me into the ministry.  And along with that call that night came a drive inside of me to always pursue His directions and always strive to do my best to excel in whatever ministry responsibility was asked of me.

I realized on the couch last night that the pursuit of that calling drove me to almost always have two jobs and many times a third on the side.  As it worked out, the ministry positions I held over the years were many times full-time in responsibilities but part-time in pay… which means I also had to work a secular job.  One of the perks of my positions working with children and youth was that much of the work entailed planning of events, writing curriculum and many other creative endeavors like the writing of songs, puppet skits and plays… which meant I could do that at home… and since Piper homeschooled the kids, they were all usually around when I was!  So, we did get to spend lots of time together.

But that drive also came with certain repercussions like many years of terrible migraines.  My older kids could tell you about my large collection of empty Excedrin bottles that I stored in a top kitchen cabinet!  It meant on many occasions, literally dragging myself to my secular job on Monday mornings after a busy weekend and late night at church.  It also caused me to get quickly bored with the non-ministry work I needed to do in order to support my family.

Looking back last night I could see that many in both Piper’s and my extended families never understood what was going on inside of me.  They never seemed to grasp the strength and power of that heavenly call that was VERY active in me.  But you know… Piper ALWAYS did and she fully supported and encouraged me... after all, we were a team! 

This may sound a bit gross… but I remember one incident when I quickly drove home at lunch from my job at Hewlett Packard one day with an exceedingly strong migraine and actually emptying my stomach contents on the floorboard just before I drove up the driveway.  Well, Piper met me and my very pale face on the porch, told me to go lie down and proceeded to clean up the truck... without ever mentioning it!

I guess that’s the point I’m trying to make here.  SHE KNEW… and we were in total agreement with just about everything we did in life.  So… did I blow it somewhere?  When I look at it from the point of view of Piper’s and my agreement in almost everything… I would have to honestly say NO!

Besides, Romans 8:1 tells me in no uncertain terms, that there is NOW… when? NOW!  NO condemnation for those of us who are in Christ Jesus!  So, Yeah!  I’m gonna be happy with our past!  Happy and blessed that I had the ultimate privilege of living 48 of my 65 years with the most wonderful woman in the world.  Happy and excited in knowing that she is NOW living totally set free from the devastating effects of Alzheimer’s while walking, singing, dancing and most likely playing the piano on the streets of gold, at home with Papa God!

And me… Well… I am rejoicing that God ain’t done with me yet!  My story still has a chapter or two to be written… and as before… I get to do it all with Him!  And you know… that voice that I heard back in that beat-up old cabin at Junior High Youth Camp all those years ago has only gotten a lot stronger and clearer!

Say this with me: “I am expecting to hear and obey Papa God’s direction for me today!”

The Way to Victory!

Yesterday was a tough one!  With Piper’s Life Tribute* running in our hometown newspaper, I got to interact with a lot of people, many of whom I had not heard from in years.  I still stand amazed at the amount of lives that my lovely wife touched over the years.  It was a joy talking, texting, emailing, or posting on Facebook with all those wonderful folks who took the time to reach out to me and tell of their thoughts and unique experiences with Piper.

But you know… at the same time the finality of the absence of Piper’s physical presence in my life was renewed with each conversation.  But once again, even in her absence, Piper must have thought about this as I was glad that I had a stockpile of napkins stored away for when I used to help her with her meals.  Let’s just say I used more than a few of them yesterday…

On the positive side though, every time I would talk about her with others or read and re-read her obituary, I would think about all of the personal strengths that she employed on a daily basis in our life together.  The one that continually popped up was her love of God’s Word and the way she naturally incorporated it into every avenue of her life.  She had a way of simply folding a verse of scripture into her normal communications that came across as natural as a person’s next breath.  And the reason being, as I’ve shared many times before, because it was just a part of who she was.  It never came across as judgmental or scary, but with joy and encouragement.

The memories of that joy and encouragement is what kept drawing me back to God’s Word yesterday whenever my emotions seemed to reach difficult proportions.  God’s word that came to me shortly after Piper moved to her new home “to continue” kept coming to me throughout the day and I found myself repeating my personalized version of Proverbs 3:5-6 declaring;

“I continue to trust in you Lord with all of my heart, and not rely on my own understanding of things.  But in all of my ways I continue to acknowledge You, for You continue to be the One who keeps me on track.” (God’s Word© & The Message personalized)

I read a quote yesterday evening from Kenneth E. Hagin, one of the main generals of Piper’s and my faith that reminded me that “The Spirit of faith is a spirit of victory!”  And I couldn’t help but to nod my head and say “Amen!”  I can see today that it was that Spirit of faith that Piper and I continuously sought to grow in our lives through our ever-increasing time in God’s Word in the midst of the last eleven years with the attack on Piper’s health, that kept us strong, in peace, with an expression of joy and a constant expectation of God’s best.

During that time, we regularly encountered those who were filled with fear, despair and hopelessness over our situation and I am so glad that we chose to keep our eyes on a better answer… the love of God and the truth of His Word.  And now?  Well, I have no better way to go than the Spirit of faith in this next chapter of my life.  I have no reason to doubt that if it worked for us in - hands down - the most difficult time in our lives… that it can and will work again in this next phase!  What do you think?  Remember Hebrews 13:8 tells us that: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” (God’s Word©)

Well… my yesterday is gone and I’m moving into today and forever with that promise held close to my heart… What about you?

Say this with me today… “I am expecting the Spirit of Faith found in God and His Word to lead me to victory today!”

 * http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/pressdemocrat/obituary.aspx?n=piper-kaye-berruto-canevari&pid=190296007

The Best IS Yet to Come...

“Jesus said to me; ‘the food that has and will continue to keep you going, Jim, is that you continue to do the will of the One who is sending you, and finish the work (in this chapter of your life) that He started in you, and is doing through you and with you!’”

                                                    John 4:34   The Message/personalized

I reached out last week to Dr. Catherine Madison and her team at the Ray Dolby Brain Heath Center at Sutter Heath in San Francisco, California.  Dr. Madison and her team were a definite godsend to us at the clinical beginnings of the journey we ventured into with the attack on my wife Piper’s health.  We took regular trips to the City every month or two for almost four years as they worked with Piper and guided us through the most traumatic event of our lives.  To put it rather simply, they were fantastic in their physical, emotional and even spiritual concern, care, respect and honor of Piper and I. They were like a ‘one-stop’ store with the reams of straight-forward and useful information they shared with us in person, on the phone or through email exchanges.

I have since received a couple of replies from Dr. Madison and Ymkje, the Family Support Therapist that we worked closely with.  I know that I keep saying this, but I am still amazed to learn of the positive impact our love and faith made on those that we had the honor to interact with during this journey.  I am almost embarrassed by all the kind comments, for in my eyes, I was simply doing what I knew to do for the love of my life!

Sometimes the Lord will use people’s insights to confirm something that He was doing in me.  For instance, the Family Support Therapist wrote to me that:

“I remember you both well, and have often thought about you since we last met. I was struck by the love and devotion between you. In my interactions with Piper I would always feel her authentic, wise and warm presence. Even though she had lost her words, she continued to communicate and connect deeply. In great part inspired by her, I continue to seek to connect beyond words, and help families learn how to do the same.”

I think the thing that hurt the most for me was when people around us would ignore her presence, especially those who knew her.  At times I probably sounded like a broken record as I constantly encouraged people to talk to her or even call her as I ‘knew’ that she still remembered and responded so well to folks she had close interactions with in the past as well as with the others who took the time to love her with their words.

Ymkje’s comments acted as the object that finally broke the dam and I began to cry after reading those remarks late last night.  It was like the Lord was using her words to counteract all the negativity I personally received and the disrespect I always felt that Piper had to endure with some people’s insecurities along the way of our journey.  To me, it was another confirmation from the Lord that I had done right and heard Him correctly during the course of the race we ran.

And then this morning, as I read John 4:34, I heard Him personalizing that particular verse just for me.  I believe that in some respects… nothing has changed.  If anything, the last 10 years has given me the physical and spiritual experience to be even more fortified to CONTINUE the vision that He established for me many years ago.

Okay… I’ll be free to admit that I may not yet have a clear idea of what that vision is… but I have great expectations in knowing that there is a specific vision for me to accomplish for Him in this new chapter of my life.  And… based on His personalization of John 4:34 this morning… I declared while looking at the framed picture of Piper that sits amongst the flower arrangements on our dining room table:

“As of today, I confess with Piper as my witness, that I am beginning to know what ‘work’ that is and I am beginning, under Your guidance Holy Ghost, to do it!”

Ooh! Ooh!  I am beginning to sense that old, familiar fire building up inside of me… I think some exciting times are on the horizon… and along with you, I choose to continue to say: “I am expecting exciting things from Papa God today!”