SLAP!

I had one of those slap-across-the-face wake up moments yesterday afternoon… not a physical slap across my face mind you… but an emotional slap that stunned me enough with the truth of something that I have unknowingly been accepting since Piper’s graduation to heaven…

I was watching something that I had recorded on TV while I was eating my lunch, when a commercial break occurred and I immediately reached for my remote control.  But I paused to soak in all the panoramic views that filled my big screen TV, of people outside in different vacation locations.  I was immediately drawn into the scenes of beautiful mountains, alpine lakes, sandy beaches at the edge of deep blue oceans… and a whole bunch of images of people enjoying nature and having fun!

I couldn’t help but to get lost in what I was observing and leaned back on the couch and declared aloud, “Now, that’s the kind of vacation that I need to take!”  But in a flash of time… I felt the sting as of a slap across my face when I fully realized that Piper would not be with me!  And then it hit me like someone had stuck my balloon with a pin and deflated every meter of air in me!  I dropped the remote and realized… That I don’t know how to relax and have fun without her!

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I sense that feeling of deflation quite often during the course of a day.  Many times, it happens in the mornings when I’m in that foggy zone between sleep and wake up.  On many occasions I’ll find myself dreaming about what Piper and I might have on our schedule that day, only to open my eyes with the disappointing reality that… once again… She’s not here!  It’s just Fiver and I in the house.

It is a hollow feeling that at times can be quite haunting.  But yesterday, I finally understood something I’d read about in the various books on the grieving process a few months after Piper passed in North Carolina.  This one written by noted grief and trauma counselor Norman Wright* from his own personal experience of the loss of his wife, spoke in one section of the need to “refile the memories of your loved one.”

This being the continuous effort of thinking about your lost one, in my case Piper, in a new way.  Basically, bringing her from my present file into my past file.  I’m obviously learning that it is not as easy as it sounds.  For me, it incorporates many facets of being, including the seeing of my life in a new vain.  Developing a new way of thinking about her, and establishing new activities, memories and relationships to fit the multitudes of voids that were vacated by Piper’s physical absence… and as my brother once told me concerning Piper’s life, goodness and joyful personality, saying that she set a pretty high bar… but not an impossible one to reach!

In reference to my seeming inability to have enjoyment and/or fun in life without her… it includes redefining what constitutes an enjoyable or fun experience… that isn’t highly dependent on the presence of one special individual. I also have to be aware that I am not holding myself to impossible standards or judging myself too harshly.  I have to keep in mind God’s specific and perfect plan that He continues to have for me, and the perfectly timed schedule that He also is following.

I was reminded as I read, once again, from Psalm 91:16 this morning where the Lord declares, “You Jim, are being satisfied with a full life because of all that I have done, am doing and will continue to do for you.  For you are in the position to behold and then enjoy the fullness of my salvation!” (The Passion Translation/Jewish Publication Society Old Testament – personalized)

And, after I read this today, I could have sworn that I heard that small-still-voice on the inside of me laugh just a little and smirk, “And that doesn’t just mean for the first 65 years of your life, Jim!”

What can I say?  I firmly believe that God has a very robust sense of humor… and wanted to make the point that my best isn’t over… but is still yet to come!

So… I’m glad for those sort-of slap-your-face moments!  Piper had a funny but yet serious way to grab my attention with the way she spoke or with her humorous actions… and now that she’s with God in heaven… I think she’s sitting right there at Jesus’ right hand giving Him some hints of when I need to tune into Him… and they re probably both giggling about it!

So, I shared all that, so that you would know, that if He is doing those things for me, telling me that my best isn’t over, but still on the way… and to NOT GIVE UP and/or feel sorry for myself… that He wants to, can and will do the same for you!

So, let go of what ever might be holding you back and grab hold of Him… for He also wants for YOU to BEHOLD and then ENJOY the FULNESS of His salvation!

Have a great mid-week, and as you do… Keep EXPECTING God’s best for your life!