The Zero Hour!

Okay… Let’s see… how did the weekend watch over my emotions do on this last Saturday and Sunday?  Well, overall, I would have to say better.  Saturday was fairly normal but as usual, Sunday afternoon had a few missteps!  Sunday afternoons were always a bit on the emotional side for me in our past and I wonder how much of that contributes to my current Sunday afternoon woes?

Sunday mornings usually started off with a jolt of energy and excitement for both Piper and I.  We were bursting with the anticipation of the ministry that we would be working with on that particular day.  It could have been participating in the Praise and Worship band or maybe leading that part of the service.  For many years it was leading the elementary age children into fun-filled Biblical adventures, music, games and (hopefully) a lesson that would capture the children’s hearts and imaginations.  On some Sunday’s we’d start off leading the music in the main service and then take the kids with us into the Children’s Activity Center for their services.

Then of course there were the quarterly special Sunday Youth services that I really enjoyed.  Overall I have to say that there was nothing more rewarding to Piper and I than seeing the young participants in our classes as they yielded to the anointing of the Holy Ghost with raised arms and closed eyes in musical worship or the humble and sweet look on their faces when we’d notice that the Word that we were sharing was reaching into their hearts and touching their natural understandings!

And then once in a great while… we might even get to go into the main adult service and simply be available to assist the Pastor with any needs he might have as we got to sit and soak in the anointed music as well as the preaching of the wonderful Word of God.

I was usually one of the first to get to church on Sunday mornings and one of the very last to leave making sure everything was put away, the rooms were neat and clean and the doors were locked and the alarms set!  Then I’d go home where Piper and the kids put together a great lunch, we would all share our individual adventures and stories of what we did at church, followed by Piper and I taking a well-deserved nap!  I think about those naps all the time and wish that I could sleep that deep and restfully again… especially after everything that went on with Piper’s recent and long illness.

But like I said earlier, the afternoon following the nap could sometimes be hard for me.  My mother would term it as “my zero hour” when all the adrenaline of the morning is worn off and the tiredness and stress of the previous week at my secular job combined with the hours of preparation, we put in throughout the week for the Wednesday night and Sunday morning services at church hit home!  And while I felt really good about the work of the ministry at church it was harder… much harder, to get myself mentally ready for another week at my secular job starting again the next day!

You see, I worked the secular jobs that I held over the years simply as a means to meet the needs of my family.  All of my ministry positions were part time pay, but at many times throughout the calendar year was full-time work.  And I loved EVERY moment of it!  I can’t say the same thing for the secular jobs even though I usually did pretty well at them.  It is difficult to describe the pull of the ministry call that the Lord put in me back at that first Jr High Snow camp in the mid-1970’s, but it was… and still is relentless!

I think that unless you have had that call, that it is hard for someone to understand the incredible drive it generates in the heart of the “called” one.  Romans 11:29 tells us “For the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.” (EMTV)  In other words… it doesn’t go away!  It is something that I attempted to explain to a few folks over the years but they just never got it.  They would look at me like I had a screw lose and wonder why I would ever consider quitting the high paying management job I had to pursue “the ministry.”  Someone in the family once told me flat out just a few years ago, that “there’s NO money in ministry…” to which I could only smile and walk away with my heart pounding in disappointment while I remembered all of the times that God abundantly took care of our needs as we followed His directions for us in lieu of the “money trail!”

So yeah… I do wonder if the emotional trauma that I continue to deal with on Sunday afternoons WITHOUT Piper, is somehow linked to how our Sunday afternoons used to go. The good news is that it is getting less intense, although I did find myself falling down to my knees in the back yard for a few moments yesterday afternoon crying out to God.  But like I said, the frequency and depth of those intense reactions seems to be dwindling!  I guess all the things I’ve been reading about and talking with knowledgeable people concerning the grief process is true!  So… I’ll stick to it… after all, I have NEVER been a quitter!

I did some more Bible study after coming in from the yard experience late yesterday afternoon and had a light turn on when I read from Luke 6:38 in the God’s Word © translation.  It spoke to my heart with Jesus saying: “Give, and you will receive. A large quantity, pressed together, shaken down, and running over will be put into your pocket. The standards you use for others will be applied to you." 

I got the idea that maybe… just maybe… there is a light for me at the end of this dark tunnel.  Maybe this intense SADNESS that I continue to feel will not always be front and center in my life, but eventually turn into GLADNESS and I’ll see that happy days will come again!

Have a great week, and as you do, say along with me… “I am expecting the promises in God’s Word to turn my life around… again!”